All right, I’m going to get to the top five in a little bit, but first: We have to talk about The Oogieloves In The BIG Ballon Adventure. WE HAVE. TO TALK. ABOUT THE OOGIELOVES.
Okay. So. By now, you’ve probably heard about how The Oogieloves is breaking records for the worst opening weekend ever for a movie on more than 2,000 screens, earning only $448,000. Ever since the news broke, I’ve been scouring the Internet for info on the movie, and I think I’ve compiled a pretty accurate list of why this movie failed so spectacularly:
Marketing: The only marketing I’ve seen for this movie has been on TMZ. I repeat: They marketed this movie, for babies, on TMZ. Actually, the awesome part was that they did so during Prince Harry’s nude photo scandal, so just imagine this tableau playing out: “Prince Harry in nude romp with whores! Courtey Stodden flooded with porn offers on her 18th birthday! Go see The Oogieloves In The BIG Balloon Adventure! Lindsay Lohan punches a baby in the mouth!” Either the guy in charge of marketing this movie is some kind of deranged genius, or he’s just deranged.
The Movie Itself: From what I can tell, this movie is about three Lovecraftian terrors trying to find five balloons for a pillow’s birthday after their vacuum cleaner loses them because he’s trying to bang their sentient window. I’m not kidding, that’s the actual premise of this movie. One character loves science, one character is a girl, and one character’s pants keep falling down. Just putting this out there, but if your protagonist’s entire characterization can be summed up as “Unable to afford a belt”, you suck at writing.
It Encourages Your Kids To Act Like Douchebags: One of the biggest “selling points” of the movie is that it encourages your kids to shout at the screen and run around and dance. Except that these are all the things that you’re NOT supposed to do in a movie. Actually, I really have to bring something up real quick here: This is how the movie’s creator justified this decision, taken from the Wikipedia page:
“…when he went to a showing of the Tyler Perry film Madea Goes to Jail, he saw how people in the audience would shout out advice to the characters on screen.”
Yes, that was the creator of The Oogieloves using negative stereotypes to justify writing a kids movie encouraging your kids to be dicks.
What’s that? You want to hear about the other movies now? All right, fine.
The Possession earned $17.7 Million, despite being less terrifying than The Oogieloves.
Lawless earned $9.6 Million, probably because Shia LaBeouf didn’t get high on LSD and have sex on camera.
The Expendables 2 earned another $8.8 Million from dads everywhere who still think Arnold Schwarzenegger can take a dump without breaking a hip.
The Bourne Legacy earned $7.2 Million despite not even having a Bourne in it, the lying douchebags.
ParaNorman, the only movie worth seeing, only earned $6.5 Million because the American movie-going public is terrible.
Now that Courtney Stodden has turned eighteen, thus upgrading her from “creepy, underage sex-troll” to “creepy, legal sex-troll”, it’s time for her to fulfill her destiny by appearing in porn … oh, wait, she’s turning down porn? Really? What, does she think there’s a role in a mainstream movie for her? She has the acting range of a Furby with the batteries taken out. Just … guh. Whatever. Anyway, she is willing to do Playboy magazine however, because somehow that’s completely different, but no! Not even Playboy will have her naked on their pages! TMZ reports:
Courtney Stodden told TMZ Live this week she is considering doing porn — after receiving at least 4 offers — but then tweeted last night she wasn’t … and was doing Playboy instead. But according to our Playboy sources, no offer has been made to Stodden nor will one EVER be made. Our sources say Stodden “doesn’t meet the standards of a Playboy model” … adding she looks too “enhanced.” One source added, “[Playboy] would NEVER take her. I don’t think anybody really wants to see that anyway.”
Can we just talk about how hilarious this is? Courtney is a total blonde moron, nipped and tucked into a grotesque satire of the female body, and instilled with an innate drive to sleep with much older men (like her hubby Doug Hutchison) for the sake of money and attention, and Playboy is just like “Nope, don’t want it.” To put that into perspective: Holly Madison, Kendra Wilkinson, Bridget Marquardt, The Shannon Twins, Crystal Harris? Yes! Hell, they even had Lindsay Lohan get naked at her crackiest, yes! But Courtney? NEVER, HOW DARE YOU EVEN SUGGEST THAT?
Okay, if you haven’t heard Taylor Swift’s new chart-topping single We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together yet … just imagine, like, every Taylor song rolled into one. No one else could ever sing this song; you can’t even read the lyrics to this song without hearing Taylor’s voice, that’s how quintessentially Swiftian this song is. And it’s a good song, it really is. Regardless of what you think about Taylor, she has a nice voice, she’s likeable enough, and she makes catchy music. And while the song may be a bit on the nose, the music video is gleefully weird.
Seriously, Azealia Banks’ stunning new video is everything and more! Not only is “1991” a terrific track (the title cut from her EP), she sealed the deal with this killer video, girlfriend looks amazing plus it totally brings me back to the early nineties with the look and feel. Her upcoming full-length debut Broke With Expensive Taste is without a doubt one of next year’s most anticipated releases, unfortunately the album was pushed back to February 2013, but it should be well worth the wait.
This past week was great for people who hate trashy reality TV: First, Kim Kardashian got a royal smackdown when she tried to get a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, and now, after six seasons (which is roughly seven too long) of Jersey Shore, someone at MTV decided to pull the plug on the show, and then hopefully, wrap the cord around the show’s neck and strangle it. Variety reports …
MTV has decided to cancel its signature franchise series following the upcoming sixth season, which launches Oct. 4. Ratings for the last few seasons have been declining, and the cabler decided to make the announcement five weeks before the final season so it can market it as the last, hoping that viewers who may have turned away will return to say goodbye. It was December 2009 that the network introduced America to a houseful of fist-pumping, tan-loving and partygoing Italian-American twentysomethings. Soon after the debut, personalities such as Snooki, the Situation, Pauly D and JWoww became part of the cultural conversation.
Okay, granted the show managed to asexually reproduce before its death, but on the plus side, all of the shows aren’t as popular, so at this point they’ll be easier to pick off. And yes, I’m sure some new trash TV will be right along to fill the void (here comes Honey Boo Boo Child …), but at least we’ll have a reprieve until then.
If you’ve never been to Los Angeles, you probably haven’t seen the Hollywood Walk of Fame, which is actually quite beautiful and memorialises a lot of very talented people. So of course, famewhore Kim Kardashian wants a star of her own, even though she lacks the very important “talent” portion of the requirements. And before you ask: No, getting making a sex tape is not a talent. Hollyscoop reports …
Kim Kardashian recently sat down for an interview with V magazine where she announced that reality TV is just like rap music (seriously?), how nobody understands the power of reality TV (really?), but most importantly, how she’s striving to be the first socialite to gain a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame (hahah, wait WHAT?!).
“I think there was a quote where somebody said that reality stars will never get a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. So, of course I’m so competitive that I think that it would be a huge achievement and a goal that anyone would want. I would love to break that mold,” Kim told the magazine.
And because there’s nothing funnier than seeing someone put a pin in Kim’s inflated and unwarranted sense of self-importance, here’s the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce (wait, the Chamber of Commerce is responsible for this? Huh. I learned something today!) outright saying that Kim will never get a star because shut up, that’s why.
“She has not been nominated. She is a reality star. We don’t do reality stars. She needs to get a real acting job then come to us,” a rep for the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce tells Hollyscoop exclusively.
As Hollyscoop points out, stars are reserved for people who actually contribute to TV. Granted, you could say that Kim “contributes” to TV, although that would be like saying that dropping a turd in the punch bowl is a “contribution.” Technically, you’ve added mass to a pre-existing substance, but at the end of the day, it’s still just a piece of crap and you’re a douche for trying to make us swallow it.
The other day, I actually got around to watching Elvira, Mistress of the Dark on DVD for the first time, and I LOVED it. LOVED. IT. It’s a total shame that we haven’t had a show that celebrates cheesy b-list horror movies, like Mystery Science Theatre 3000 or the aforementioned Elvira. But good news! Sharon Needles is getting her own show on Logo called FEARce! where she’ll be showing classically bad flicks and gracing us all with her spooky beauty! YAY! From NewNowNext …
Beginning Thursday, Nov. 1, the season four winner of RuPaul’s Drag Race will be back to haunt the Logo airwaves. Join the mistress of dark as she shares her favorite skin-crawlingly creepy flicks every Thursday night. With selections including Interview With a Vampire and Bride of Chucky, these flicks are sure to make your spine tingle. Logo will also be launching the series with a Sharon Needles FEARCEFest on Oct. 28 and a Sharon Needles Halloween FEARCEFest on Oct. 31 — Sharon’s favorite day.
BEST. NEWS. EVER. We all knew that Sharon would be getting her own show, and I’m happy that she’s going to be doing something campy and spooky. That being said, now we need to give her her own movie. SIX SEASONS AND A MOVIE! (Hey, it worked for Community …)
Lindsay Lohan’s unpaid hotel bill drama carries on
In a move that I’m almost entirely positive was taught to her by her mother, Dina Lohan, when she was but a wee child helping her mother lift forties out of a 7/11, Lindsay Lohan has once again shifted the blame in yet another public scandal. On Wednesday, Lindsay was banned from Chateau Marmont because she couldn’t be bothered to actually pay for anything, so instead she tried to blame it on the producers of Liz and Dick, who she claimed promised to foot the bill. Except it turns out that never happened at all. TMZ reports …
TMZ broke the story, Lindsay racked up a hotel bill approaching $47,000 but stiffed the Chateau Marmont. As a result, Lindsay was banned from the hotel property. Lindsay now says she thought her Liz and Dick producers would pay the bill, but sources very familiar with the situation tell TMZ … the production NEVER promised to foot the bill. Sources connected to Lindsay tell us … producers did give Lindsay a one-time only, $5,000 advance against her salary in late May so she could move into the hotel, but that was it. There was never even an insinuation the production company would pay her hotel bill.
You know, I’ve joked about this before, but I honestly think that Lindsay fully believes that she doesn’t have to pay for anything because she’s Lindsay Lohan. Remember that time she screamed at someone to move a traffic cone for her because she’s LiLo? Yeah, that happened. Don’t even try and tell me the following scenario won’t happen eventually:
Salesperson: All right ma’am, that will be $6,829 please. Lindsay: Here you go! Salesperson: … This is a napkin with “I’m Lindsay Lohan” written on it. Lindsay: Keep the change! Salesperson: Why does this napkin smell like gin and smoke?