Teen bride Courtney Stodden needs ‘Couples Therapy’
Remember how a couple days ago, Courtney Stodden announced that she was going to be shooting for a reality television show, and everyone just sort of rolled their eyes and went, “Of course someone gave her a reality gig.” Well, it turns out the show in question isn’t just some vapid look into Courtney’s life of being an underage trophy wife. She and husband Doug Hutchison are actually shooting for VH1’s Couples Therapy. Somewhere out there, Greg the god of irony is probably rubbing her hands together, going, “Oh, I was actually going to make it so that Courtney and Doug shot each other, but this is pretty good too.” TMZ reports …
TMZ has learned … Stodden — who married Hutchison when she was 16 — has signed on to the upcoming season of VH1’s Couples Therapy. Sources connected to production tell us .. the couple has acknowledged there are “obvious problems in their relationship because of their age difference and the notoriety they’ve gotten because of their relationship.” Courtney and Doug — along with 4 other couples — will receive “intense counseling” throughout the course of the show … which began taping a few days ago.
Wait, you married a guy in his fifties while you were still underage and it DIDN’T work out? Nooooo … the sad part is, Courtney ad Doug probably have no intention of making their relationship work, so much as they saw someone waving a paycheck and promises of attention in front of their faces and Courtney’s legs swung open like a well-oiled gate. Oh come on, you just know that Courtney’s instinctive reaction to money is to release the Kraken. “Five dollars? Open Sesame! Just beware of the Minotaur that lives inside. It eats pedophiles and it’s RILLLLLLLLL hungry.”
It’s been something like two months since Courtney Stodden has graced our blog with her “rillness”, and to be honest, I just kind of assumed she was dead. That sounds super bad, I know, but … have you seen her? She is the reason why we have to remind people not to eat the little packets of silica gel you find in boxes of electrical equipment. Anyway, it looks like Courtney has finally found her way to that hallowed respite for the brainless, shameless, and grotesque: reality television!
I’ve already gone over what I thought of Courtney’s first stab at a reality TV show, and for the record, I still haven’t fully recovered. Sometimes at night, I hear the voices of the Great Old Ones. “Soon … soon the silicone child will open the portal between your world and hours … we shall feast for 666 days before we all crawl around on the floor pretending to be sexy kitties. Meow meow sexy kitty!”
Stars Earn Stripes: Celebs receive miltary training
It confuses me as to how people still take Sarah Palin seriously as a politician. Honestly, she quit being a politician two years ago. It’s not like I go around telling people I’m a former waiter. Anyway, the Palins continue their attempt to take over reality TV (which, if you think about it, was kind of their end game from the very beginning) by having Todd Palin join Stars Earns Stripes, a new NBC show about celebrities receiving military training. Seriously. Take a look at the list of contestants and then try and find which one doesn’t belong:
Laila Ali: Retired Professional Boxer Dean Cain: Actor, Superman Terry Crews: Former NFL player and gifted comedic actor Nick Lachey: Singer and post-millennial holdover Picabo Street: Olympic Gold Medal winning skier Dolvett Quince: Celebrity personal trainer from The Biggest Loser Eve Torres: WWE Diva Todd Palin: Stuck his penis in Sarah Palin
Seriously. SERIOUSLY. I’m just going to put this out there, but fame is not sexually transmittable; stop pretending it is.
Happy June, y’all! While you were out celebrating the long Memorial Day weekend and short work week, I was keeping track of all the TV happenings. Here’s a rundown of what you should know for those Monday-morning awkward cubical discussions.
Justin Bieber is getting his very own network television special. Justin Bieber: All Around the World will follow Bieber as he prepares for his upcoming tour, a feature performances of his new album, Believe, including his #1 single “Boyfriend”. NBC will air a one-hour special on Thursday, June 21 at 8pm ET. Queue the screaming girls!
The best show on television you’re not watching is hands down Hip Hop Squares. It’s like Hollywood Squares except with rappers like Biz Markie and Ghostface Killah. Genius, right? Yeah, it’s on MTV2 and it’s hysterical and go set your DVRs immediately. Tuesdays at 11pm EST!
While you’re setting your DVRs, if you’ve missed an episode of The Walking Dead, AMC is airing a 19-episode marathon on July 7 and 8.
America’s Next Top Model crowned the winner of their 18th cycle (ugh), and her name is Sophie Sumner. This was Sumner’s second trip to a Top Model finale – she was a finalist on Britain’s Next Top Model during its fifth season (apparently this season was a British all-stars vs American newbies theme, but I wouldn’t know since I stopped watching 100 cycles ago). Anyway, if you’re pissed off about that somehow, then don’t worry – you can have your say next cycle. Tyra Banks basically fired the entire judging panel (see: Nigel, Mr. Jay, Miss Jay), and is now having viewers vote. And since they’re filming the next cycle right now, you get to vote now. Voting starts each Monday at 11am PT. Enjoy!
What did everyone think of the Awake finale last week? I still have no idea what the fuck happened, and I loved every second of it.
Also in WTF moments: Did you see the What Not to Wear live season premiere? Ummm … that was terrible. Stacy, Clinton, I love you. Sooo much. But that was insane.
Are you guys watching Duets? It seems like you aren’t. The ratings dropped 12 percent from last week, from a 1.7 rating to a 1.5 rating (adults 18-49). Looks like ABC’s new “major music series” isn’t as major as they’d hope it to be. I’m kinda sad about it because I find all the judges totally likeable. John Legend, Jennifer Nettles, Robin Thicke, and queen Kelly Clarkson? That should be money, no? Sadly, it looks like boring talent, a silly format, and the worst scoring system on the history of reality TV competition shows are really to blame. Although I still point some shade towards robot host Quddus.
Speaking of reality singing competitions no one needed, NBC is launching a new show called The Winner Is, which will feature contestants of all ages performing in head-to-head battles, and then negotiating deals with their opponents to exit the show in exchange for a cash prize before the viewer-voted results come in. There will be a judging panel too, composed of yet-to-be-named celebrities who will most certainly outshine everyone else. Expect to see the show on the air this winter or next summer.
Oh, and by the way, that new singing competition means that NBC has cancelled The Sing-Off. Sadface!
In one of the smartest moves of the season, Joanna Garcia has replaced Amy Huberman in NBC’s upcoming Justin Kirk-led Animal Practice. In no offense to Huberman, this is great news, as Joanna is lovely and adorable and I still miss Privileged dearly.
The delightful Anthony Bourdain is ending his Emmy-winning reality series, No Reservations, after it concluded its eighth season this July. But guess what? Bourdain and his producers are launching a new show that’s basically the exact same thing on CNN. Yay?
Hey Private Practice fans. Shit is going down. Because so few of you tuned into the show this season, ABC has dropped the order for next season to just thirteen-episodes. They’ve also fired Tim Daly. Oh, and Kate Walsh is apparently leaving after this season. Which, effectively, means there won’t be a next season. Better be prepared to say goodbye!
Sad about Private Practice? Well there’s another medical show you should be watching anyway – Nurse Jackie. Showtime’s hit series is brilliant and amazing and just got renewed for its fifth season. Woohoo!
And now for our weekly feature I like to call “Showrunner Shakeup.” Good news, Dan Harmon and Theresa Rebeck. You’re not the only ones to lose your showrunner jobs this year. Seems like Whitney’s showrunner Betsy Thomas has been replaced by Friends scribe Wil Calhoun. Nurse Jackie showrunners Linda Wallem and Liz Brixius have been replaced by Clyde Phillips. And CougarTown’s showrunners Bill Lawrence and Kevin Biegel have been replaced by Ric Swartzlander. Eeek.
It’s almost Emmys time, which means networks and producers are furiously working to figure out which stars they’ll submit for which categories. But bad news for actors going for lead and supporting actor/actress in a miniseries. The TV Academy has decided to merge those two categories. I wouldn’t want to be the one going up against Jessica Lange …
Finally, in “The Best News Ever,” Toddlers and Tiaras standout “Honey Boo-Boo Child” Alana Thompson has been given her own spin-off on TLC. The six-episode series will premiere in August, following Alana’s pageant life and home life in Georgia. And if that news wasn’t enough, let me tell you the name of the series: Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.
Khloé and Lamar pulled the plug on their reality show
First: HAHAHAHAHA! Dummies! All right, that felt good to say, now onto the actual news. In an effort to cutdown on the various Kardashian shows that follow the “[Insert Kardashian Whore here] and [Insert relative here] take [Random city that’s about to experience a severe syphilis outbreak]” title equation, Khloé Kardashian and Lamar Odom have pulled the plug on their reality show. On the plus side, they’re already being picked up by another reality TV show, Finding Bigfoot. TMZ reports:
Lamar Odom and Khloé Kardashian have decided to pull the plug on their spin-off show Khloé & Lamar. Sources tell TMZ, the show’s second season will be its last … because Lamar wants to focus on reviving his fizzling NBA career. As we previously reported, Lamar was relegated to the Dallas Mavericks’ inactive list after putting up career low numbers this season. If he’s lucky, he’ll be traded. If not, who knows …
In all seriousness, I’ll be sad to see them go. Nah, I’m just screwing with you guys, Khloé and Lamar’s show sucked and they themselves suck too. On the plus side, now E! finally has more room for shows about maternal failures forcing their infant daughters to participate in beauty pageants.
The Sing-Off: The best singing competition you never watched!
The season three finale of The Sing-Off airs Monday night at 8pm on NBC, though judging from the number of viewers who’ve watched all season, I have a feeling you probably don’t care.
NBC’s a capella singing competition The Sing-Off has never been a huge hit. When it premiered back in the winter of 2009, NBC gave it a brief run: just four episodes. It wasn’t much of a risk to take on the launch of an entirely new music competition show. But since The Sing-Off ran during a downtime in original network programming (December 14 to December 21), NBC was able to get some pretty decent ratings. For season two, they repeated the same formula, this time increasing the show to a six-episode run from December 6-December 20. Again, decent ratings at a usual slow period (roughly 8.5 million viewers a night), but nothing to write home about.
Which is why I was surprised when NBC decided to take a chance on The Sing-Off and throw it in the ring for their fall schedule this year. Most likely an attempt to capitalize off the success of their summer singing competition hit The Voice, NBC put some major stock in The Sing-Off. Everything was increased from before: episode order up to eleven, two-hour episodes, number contestants rose from ten groups to sixteen, promos and social media flooded the market.
So how did it fare?
Not well. The show’s been living on Monday nights at 8pm, facing stiff competition from ABC’s Dancing with the Stars and CBS’s comedy block (How I Met Your Mother, 2 Broke Girls, Two and a Half Men, and Mike and Molly). The ratings have been dismal: just 1.4 adults in the 18-49 rating for last week’s finals. All and all, a total flop.
But here’s the twist in all this: The Sing-Off is actually the best reality singing competition on television. Far better than American Idol, The X Factor, and The Voice combined. Because unlike those other shows, The Sing-Off features:
Talented contestants who can actually sing
Remember that season of American Idol when Sanjaya Malakar was the worst singer you’ve ever heard but he kept lasting week after week after week? Yeah, that shit doesn’t happen on The Sing-Off. That’s because they have the most talented singers I’ve ever seen on any competition reality show. These are musicians who work together week after week to create some of the most insane a capella arrangements I’ve ever heard. They’re not pre-recording anything in a studio and lip-syncing on performance night. They’re not working with producers and coaches to help them find their sound. They’re together, rehearsing and rehearsing and rehearsing ‘til they get it right. Do you know how hard that is?
Monday’s finale features three outstanding groups. First, there’s Penatonix, a five-person group from Texas whose futuristic sound and staggering arrangements should push them into the first place win tonight.
Then there’s Urban Method, a group I personally don’t care that much about, but seem to be pretty progressive because they have a rapper, and they tend to focus more on R&B/hip-hop songs.
Finally, there’s Dartmouth College’s Dartmouth Aires, the only all-male and collegiate group left. And believe me – these boys sure know how to put on a show.
Hands down, the best judging panel on TV
I’ll always be a Simon Cowell fan, but if I’m being honest, there’s no way he could ever handle it as a guest judge on The Sing-Off. That’s because the judging panel on The Sing-Off consists of three super-talented artists who know how to provide constructive criticism while elevating the viewer’s understanding and appreciation for music. First, there’s singer/songwriter Ben Folds – a man who’s songs have been covered by every a capella group out there (he even put out his own a capella cover album). Then there’s Boyz II Men member Shawn Stockman, who certainly knows a thing or two about singing in group harmonies. Finally, this season saw the addition of singer-songwriter and former a capella club member Sara Bareilles, who replaced season one/two judge Nicole Scherzinger after she took off for The X Factor). Bareilles is like a breath of fresh air on a cool spring day. You kind of always want to be around here. Together, they’re a brilliant team – the kind of personalities that the viewers and contestants alike can respect and learn from.
Theme night’s you actually want to see
I don’t know about you, but I’ve never been a huge fan of American Idol’s awful theme nights. I was thrilled when The Voice kind of eliminated the whole notion of theme nights, and just stuck to putting on current, killer performances week after week. So knowing The Sing-Off was going to do theme knights, I was a little nerves. Luckily, they knew what they were doing, and put together some killer combinations. R&B Week and Country Week, for example, featured two performances each – one classic song and one modern song. There was guilty pleasure week, which featured a lot of killer 80s one-hit wonders. But my favorite theme week, by far, was “superstar medley” week, where each group had to do a mashup of three songs by a superstar artist. Check out Penatonix’s ah-mazing Britney medley and tell me you don’t wish you heard this on the radio.
No audition episodes
Guess what no one cares about? Audition episodes. Sure, it’s fun to see the bad people sing for like the first ten minutes. But then it became painfully repetitive. “Doesn’t this person suck? I know! Now look at this other terrible person. Crazy, right?” UGH! Meanwhile, watching the people you actually like not get cast on the show has to be the most infuriating thing in the entire world. How can I root for these twelve people you’ve selected as finalists when I’ve already spent four episodes falling in love and rooting for someone you ultimately cut?!?
Yeah, there’s none of that shit in The Sing-Off. What you’re getting is the best of the best already. None of that filler.
No results shows
Speaking of filler … have you ever seen a results show on any reality competition show where you didn’t spent forty-five minutes screaming at your television “GET ON WITH IT ALREADY?” They’re the biggest time-suck in the entire world. But The Sing-Off doesn’t want to waste your time. So each week, the judges eliminate at least one group (sometimes two!). Just. Like. That.
Group performances that totally didn’t suck
Group performances are by far the WORST things about singing reality competition shows. But guess what? On The Sing-Off, they’re the best. First of all, they’re clearly performed live. Second of all, all those voices together create a pretty outstanding sound. I know you don’t believe me, so I’ll just show you:
With these things in mind, if I were running the show over at NBC, I’d renew The Sing-Off for a fourth season, yet return to a shortened season. Perhaps throw it on in the winter AND in the summer. Five episodes each, so there’s no big loss. Either way, I’ll be tuning into The Sing-Off’s season three finale tonight at 8pm on NBC. And I sure hope that you do too, because you’ll see the best reality singing competition you’re not watching!