Posts tagged "Porn"

Courtney Stodden will (probably) do porn!

A little about teen bride / famewhore Courtney Stodden: she looks like a partially deflated blow-up doll someone left on a stove, she married a guy (Doug Hutchison) in his fifties for attention, her idea of dirty talk makes her sound like Dr. Seuss after way too much ecstasy, and she turned eighteen this past week. Career-wise, where do you think she’s going? Eeeeeeeeyup. Porn. TMZ reports …

Courtney Stodden just called in to TMZ Live … and told us she’s been “flooded” with XXX offers from the moment she became “legal” … and the thought of her getting intimate with another man is freaking out her 52-year-old hubby Doug Hutchison. Still, Court says … “I’m not gonna say yes right now … and I’m not gonna say no.” We’ll take that as a yes.

Not that there’s anything inherently wrong with porn, so much as there’s something wrong with Courtney’s brand of porn; the kind where you can tell they don’t really care at all, they just want attention and adoration? Yeah. Because at that point it stops being fun and it just starts being weird and creepy and you can’t help but shake the feeling like if you don’t show this to someone else within seven days, a drowned, greasy-haired teenager will crawl out of your television and murder you. (People still get references to The Ring, right?)

Courtney Stodden

Courtney Stodden got porn offers on her 18th birthday!

You know, it seems like just yesterday that Courtney Stodden (teen bride of fifty-year-old Doug Hutchison) was assaulting our eyeballs with her weird, burn-victim-trying-to-be-sexy schtick that should have technically been illegal but somehow wasn’t. Well Courtney’s all grown up, she turns 18 today, so now all her poorly-executed attempts at sexiness are just creepy and gross, rather than being creepy, gross and immoral. Yay! And of course, she’s already getting offers for her to star in porn, because honestly, there is no other way for this to end. TMZ reports …

Now that she’s “legal” — at least 4 porno companies are hoping she puts her money (and a whole lot more) where her mouth is … offering her lucrative XXX contracts.

One of the companies is Brazzers.com … which says it wants to “showcase [her] talents” by featuring her in a scene with male porn star Keiran Lee … who Brazzers describes as the man with the “million dollar penis.”

Stodden also got an offer from Babes.com … which says it already penned a porno movie specifically for Courtney based on her real life experience with Doug Hutchison. The flick is called, “Happily Humping My Hubby.”

TMZ obtained a copy of the script, which contains the following line for Courtney:

"I may be young but I can s*** a d*** like a much, MUCH more experienced s***. I’ll d*** t**** it, l*** his b****, do whatever I gotta do to get that m**** l*** all on my f***."

The sad thing is, even censored into complete incoherency, that sentence is still more comprehensible and less creepy than anything Courtney has ever said. Anyway, Courtney should probably take them up on their porn offers, because I mean … what else does she have going for her? Honestly, the only reason anyone paid attention to her was because she was way too young to be that weirdly sexual, and now that she can legally be a creepy prostitute, her camp value is kind of dead.

Courtney Stodden

Shia LaBeouf is making art porn now!

Remember the days when Shia Laboeuf was just that kid who was able to keep his career after Even Stevens, even if the only thing he could do was scream “NONONONONO” while giant robots punched each other in the balls? Well, hold on to that mental image, because apparently Shia’s been bitten by the pretentious art house bug and is now filming a movie with director Lars Von Trier that is, essentially, a sex tape. No, I’m not kidding. They are literally going to shoot him having sex with someone. Woohoo. Complex reports …

During an interview with MTV, Shia LaBeouf confirmed that he will indeed be working with director Lars von Trier on his next project, Nymphomaniac. Not only that, but he also revealed that all of the film’s sex scenes will be completely unsimulated, which, of course, means that LaBeouf will basically be getting paid to have real sex with his co-stars in front of the entire crew.

"It is what you think it is. There’s a disclaimer at the top of the script that basically says, we’re doing [the sex] for real. And anything that is ‘illegal’ will be shot in blurred images. But other than that, everything is happening," LaBeouf said during the interview.

Two thoughts on this: First, ew, Shia. I mean, even back in the days when he was almost passably attractive, this would still be gross, now he’s just weird and scraggly looking, so this is already lining up to be the most depressing porno ever. Second, at least with actual porn, the whole thing isn’t one massive ego stroke clumsily disguised as “art”, so suck it Shia. You’re making annoying, bad porn.

Shia LaBeouf

Fred Willard arrested for jackin’ it

Did you know that there are still XXX theaters out there? Yeah, I know, how weird is that? I thought they invented computers so that we wouldn’t have to sit in a dark, cramped pit of loneliness beside other equally depressed men, watching a porno while keeping your hands above your waist. Anyway, turns out Fred Willard, renowned “that guy” comedic actor, was arrested last night for going to a porn theater and stroking it. What is it with respected comedians and getting caught masturbating in theaters? TMZ reports:

According to law enforcement sources, LAPD undercover vice officers went into the Tiki Theater in Hollywood and found the 78-year-old Anchorman star watching last night’s feature … with his penis exposed and in his hand. We’re told Willard was arrested around 8:45PM and booked for lewd conduct. It was a quick release — we’re told he was out of police custody a short while later. As for which movie Fred was watching — there are 3 flicks in rotation at the theater … Follow Me 2, a XXX parody of The Client List, and Step Dad No. 2.

Wait, you’re telling me you can’t masturbate in a porn theater? What the - no, that’s cruel is what that is! These men have to go out to a dank, dirty porn theater, and you won’t even give them the simple pleasure of jackin’ it? I mean yeah, kinda gross, but still, you’re at a porn theater. What the hell else are you supposed to? You think they’re just sitting there marveling at the subtle details of the cinematography in This Ain’t The Client List?

Fred Willard

Andrew Garfield was inspired by Spidey porn!

I don’t really have anything against porn parodies, save for when you do them way too often for the sake of publicity, at which point it starts being something of a one-trick pony. There are some good ones, but they usually work better if the sex naturally fits into the source material’s universe, as opposed to when it’s shoe-horned in awkwardly. Also, they make buttloads of money, because apparently sex is hotter when the performers are dressed like people you’ve seen on TV. “Oh my gosh, that lady looks like the chick from The Big Bang Theory! That makes it so much better!” said no one ever. Anyway, Andrew Garfield somehow managed to fully form his character in The Amazing Spider-Man by watching the porn parody, because everything you learned in acting classes is wrong. Starpulse reports:

Garfield tells Hollywood.com, “I watched it a few times. I watched it more from an inspirational stand point than from a sexual standpoint. I think you can find inspiration from anywhere when it comes to this character because it’s everyone’s; it belongs to everyone.” And Braun is thrilled his film could help the Brit find his Spider-Man. The X-rated moviemaker tells WENN, “This is totally awesome. It goes a long way to validate my efforts to reach out to a different demographic than the typical porn consumer, and to do justice to a character that I love. Thank you Andrew for the massive ego stroke.”

Well, it might be a bit weird to say you derived inspiration from a porn parody, but hey, it’s still a helluva lot better than deriving your entire movie from a board game. Isn’t that right, Battleship? And also Candyland. Holy crap, that movie is going to suck and it is going to suck HARD.

Andrew Garfield

A breakdown of Nadya Suleman’s porn video

Yesterday, I posted a video of Nadya ‘Octomom’ Suleman hyping up her new masturbation porn video by going on Howard Stern and riding a masturbation machine, and you people just … you just ate that up. You pounced on that like a lioness on a wounded gazelle. Honest to God, it pulled in some of the highest numbers I’ve ever seen, I’m really not sure how I feel about this, but clearly you sick bastards want more of Octomom pleasuring herself, so here’s a review of her steamy scenes from I Heart Chaos.

Scene three is more typical boring stuff. She starts off trying to look all seductive in front of a pool, before moving to a bed and stripping and getting to business. Again, its mediocre borderline softcore. She spends half the time at a weird angle so you never see the goods, and the rest of the time from the tits up. Towards the end you finally get what most morbid curiosities have been wanting to see, a good clean shot of her baby hole. Surprisingly, its not horrible. Its kinda weird looking, but its not as disgusting as I would have bet on.

[…]

Scene five is where the good stuff starts. This is just a straight up masturbating scene, while shes in the tub. You finally get a good front and center unobstructed view of her snatch, and again, its not bad, but something about it just seems off. I can’t tell if she’s had a vaginaplasty, or if her vagina just looks like she’s had one. She also full on penetrates herself in this one, for the first time. Its all pretty standard lame porn crap, honestly.

You can click over to read the entire thing, and honestly, you might as well do it. The poor bastard sat through the whole thing just to satisfy your curiosity, the least you can do is offer him a page view. Anyway, just to delve further into just how horrifying this whole process is, here’s a clip from Jimmy Kimmel Live where random people on the street react to seeing pictures from Octomom’s porn video.

Nadya 'Octomom' Suleman

Have you seen HardTV yet?

I’m not sure if you heard, but I have this new TV show called HardTV out right now … yes, that’s right, I’m on cable now. I’mma get mine. It’s a variety show about the gay adult entertainment industry, if you’re over the age of 18, you can watch it right now on the channel HardTV, Squirt.org and NakedSword.com (all links are NSFW). Yes, the name of the show is the same as the cable channel. It took us a month to come up with a title if you can believe that shit. Oh well, you can watch it in all it’s glory RIGHT NOW!

Jeremy Feist

HardTV

Vivid Entertainment wants Casey Anthony to do porn!

Because apparently Steven Hirsch would sign John Wayne Gacy if he had huge tits, Vivid Entertainment has offered Casey Anthony a role in their next porn movie because she’s vaguely famous (FOR ALLEGEDLY KILLING HER BABY)! You know, because nothing gets men hotter than a woman who was accused of killing her two-year-old infant!

Hirsch tells TMZ … “Whether you agree with the verdict or not, Casey will want to move forward with her life and has a right to make a living. It’s not going to be easy for her and we believe we can help her make the transition into a new life.” No word on how much Hirsch is willing to pony up … but he thinks there’s a realistic chance … noting, “We’ve all seen the pictures of her partying and having a good time with friends where she definitely looks hot.” SOURCE

Well, personally all I’m taking from this is that men will fuck anything. Absolutely ANYTHING. Ladies, you no longer have any excuse for not being able to land a straight guy, because someone out there was able to look at Casey Anthony and say “Yes, she looks like a meth addicted white trash hooker and allegedly killed her own baby, but she does have a vagina, soooooo … yeah, I’d hit that.” They will fuck anything.

Casey Anthony

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