If you’ve never heard comedian Patton Oswalt’s bit about why the Star Wars prequels simply didn’t work, what is wrong with you? Why don’t you enjoy the nice things we have? I BLAME YOU FOR THINGS! Anyway, here it is now. Do yourself a favor and listen to it now.
See? Hilarious! Anyway, Patton was asked about how the people at LucasArts dealt with it, and it turns out? They have no idea he ever said anything. Via Huffington Post:
You got a lot of attention about your comedy routine on the “Star Wars” prequels. Did you ever hear anything one way or another from LucasArts?
No, I never got any feedback. Not even from employees. So either he didn’t find out about it, because he’s a multibillionaire — why would you care what a comedian thinks? — or he found out about it and there’s an embargo on opinions. Who knows? Who knows?
But you did become the sounding board for many a disappointed fan.
Well, there were a lot of disappointed fans that were sounding boards for each other on that. So, it wasn’t just me. That was kind of the whole chorus that was going on at the time. I feel like I was one of many voices [laughs].
It’s easy to just say that George Lucas just didn’t hear about it, but I’m going to go ahead and say that maybe he just got mixed up with a certain other director named Lucas …
George Lucas: “Hey, Michael, did you hear about what Patton Oswalt said about you? That dude HATES you.” Michael Lucas: “But. .. but why?” George: “I don’t know, but he wants to kill you with a shovel.” Michael: “I don’t… just … but why?!” George: “I don’t know, probably because my Star Wars prequels were so awesome. Anyway, I’m going to go re-edit the original Star Wars movies so that Jar Jar Binks will keep popping up and screaming “WAZZAP!” at emotionally integral moments. I’m rich! *Hangs up*”
As we all know, people who text during movies are the opposite of the best because they are THE WORST. Which is why the Alamo Drafthouse brought in director Jason Reitman and funny guy Patton Oswalt to remind you all to not talk or text during the movies. If you do, those around you are allowed to forcibly insert your cell phone into your rectum. If you can text using the walls of your anus, then you can use your cell phone. If not, shut up! Also: people who ask questions during the movie - no, I do not know what’s going to happen next, because I’m watching it for the first time too. Please stop asking!
Super fun pop quiz time! If you’ve been on the Internet in the past few hours you’ve probably heard this one, but for those who haven’t, here’s your quiz: Patton Oswalt went to a pumpkin patch recently with his family, and a certain skanky famewhore was there posing for the paparazzi she paid to tag along with her because that’s the only reason people care about her. Patton tweeted the whole thing and completely destroyed her, because that’s just the kind of dude he is. Now, name that slut!
Dear Gross, Over-Sexualized Reality Star Nobody Currently at Mr. Bones’ Pumpkin Patch, Posing for The Photogs You Hired To Come: Please Die
Seriously, this is a place for little kids and this mildew-ey swamp slut is treating it like an FHM shoot. I have no idea who she is.
This is so sad. She’s got some hag-like publicist throwing her toys to pose with. Dressed like a “sexy” pirate. Fuck. Off.
NO WAY am I taking a picture of this silicon-chested scarecrow. I DO want to gather some goose shit from the petting zoo & pelt her.
We’ve left. She’s still there, on top of inflatable skeleton slide posing like a goddamn spaz. Skeezy redhead. Don’t know name, don’t care.
Yup, she’s a redhead, which means she’s not Courtney Stodden after all! I know, SUPER HUGE M-NIGHT-SHYAMALAN-TWIST UP IN YO FACE. Turns out it was actually Phoebe Price, a woman I’m convinced only exists in the mind of DListed’s Michael K that somehow managed to claw her way out through his ear-hole, which sounds crazy, I know. But if you think about it, it would be even crazier to think that a woman this whorish and ridiculous could be wandering around out there not dead.
Consider this my way of padding articles so I can make it to 6 posts for the day apologizing for the Maroon 5/Christina Aguileravideo from before. Here’s a collection of videos Patton Oswalt recently did for 5secondfilms. Why? Because you deserve it, America. You. Deserve. It.