Look, we know that you guys just can’t get enough of Nadya Suleman (aka Octomom) for some reason (was it the masturbation porno? Is that you want?) but the things I will do for your page views are starting to get out of hand. I actually had to listen to a clip of Nadya’s new dance single, "Sexy Party," and I don’t forgive any of you. To be honest, it doesn’t sound too far off from other club songs, mostly because the production did everything they could to hide Octomom’s voice under layers of synth and bass. Which should really tell you everything you need to know about this song. Remember: just because you do one thing poorly, doesn’t mean you can do other things poorly.
Octomom’s topless cover art + charging $$$ for dates
First things first: Nadya ‘Octomom’ Suleman released the album artwork for her upcoming dance single "Sexy Party" — I know, I’m just in a puddle with excitement too — so of course she’s topless on the cover. Well, granted, Adam Barta was kind enough to block anything from view, and you can tell from the rosary beads and crosses that this is all good, clean, wholesome fun! From TMZ …
Sources close to Octo tell TMZ … the cover art for “Sexy Party” is 100% Madonna inspired. We’re told the pop singer’s “Like a Virgin” style and need to sing about liberation struck a chord with Octo and she wanted to pay homage to that with her album art. Sources tell us … the crosses in the background, the rosary and even Octo baring her boobies (sans nipples) was all in honor of Madge.
Well, trying to be Angelina Jolie didn’t work, so maybe trying to be Madonna will do it! On a note that is completely unrelated to Madge, Octomom is now offering to “go on dates” with men willing to pay upwards of $500. We all know what this really is, so let’s skip to the blockquote from Digital Spy …
The move is apparently a last-ditch attempt at earning more money before she is kicked out of her La Habra home, which was foreclosed in June because she couldn’t pay the mortgage. Her dating profile describes how she loves to laugh and work out, with bidding for a date starting at $500. Suleman previously signed up to GoFundMe.com in a bid to raise $150,000 for a down payment on a new home. However, she has so far only attracted $2,509 in donations.
Well, say what you will about these “dates”, but at least she’s actually trying to work for a change. Honestly, this is probably the hardest she’s worked since she got knocked up to begin with. Granted, I’m not about to give her a shiny gold medal because she decided to not let the fourteen kids she had grow up in squalor, but at least she actually has something that could almost be seen as a job.
When someone puts a project up on Kickstarter, they usually have the decency to not only offer little bits of swag in return, but they also usually have a project they’re working on that the public will enjoy. Or in Nadya ‘Octomom’ Suleman's case, she just wants everyone to give her $150,000 for a home. That’s it. That’s all she’s offering. Give her money, and that’s it. TMZ reports:
In case you forgot … despite Octo’s recent XXX endeavors, she still couldn’t make the mortgage payments on her La Habra house and it was foreclosed on last month. Sources close to Octo tell TMZ she’s been given two weeks to move out, but the problem is she doesn’t have enough cash to buy a house of her own … especially one that can fit her giant brood. Octo’s solution … set up a page on a website called GoFundMe.com, where her fans can send her money through the internet! All she’s asking for is a cool $150k to get started.
Sooooo … you know what, let’s just call this one what it is: Octomom is pan-handling, essentially. I mean yes, she has fourteen kids to look after here, but why would you have that many kids in the first place if you had no plan in place to help care for them? And no, “I figured I could get a reality television show deal out of it!” does not count, because doing stupid things on the off-chance you might land a crappy TV deal is not something a responsible, sane person will ever do.
All right, consider this post an experiment of sorts. When we posted about Nadya ‘Octomom’ Suleman's solo porn video, it exploded. Like, you have NO idea how fast it took off. Bonkers numbers. Absolutely bonkers numbers. Now, we’re going to post this story about actress Minka Kelly (probably best known for dating Derek Jeter) having a sex tape floating around out there (possibly made while she was underage), we’re going to see whether or not this blows up as heavily as Octomom. Our findings here on PopBytes will be recorded for future generations. TMZ reports:
The tape … which is 30-minutes long … was shot in New Mexico and features Minka Kelly with an ex-boyfriend. The tape is shot in a semi-professional manner. The camera is secured by a tripod and hooked up to a TV monitor, so both Minka and the BF can watch the action they create. Minka is very aware of the camera. It’s unclear how old Minka was when the tape was shot. Two songs from Brandy’s second album, Never Say Never, are playing in the background. The album was released on June 8, 1998 — 16 days before Minka’s 18th birthday. But one source questioned whether the song was added after the fact to make it appear she was over 18.
Now, I really don’t know who Minka is, save for the fact that she’s (A) gorgeous and (B) has big boobs, which brings in the straight boys like flies to honey. That being said, Octomom popped out fourteen kids from her lady bits. Which one will you guys go for? Let the experiment … COMMENCE!
For the past couple years, Nadya ‘Octomom’ Suleman (oh who are we kidding, she’s just Octomom at this point, I’m pretty sure she can list herself as such on her tax returns and the IRS wouldn’t even bat an eye) has been letting her kids grow up in what is essentially squalor, because not only will people NOT give you money just because you couldn’t put down the semen-filled turkey baster, but putting aside your own ego for the sake of doing whatever you can to raise your kids is for commoners. Well, it looks like Octomom has finally realized she doesn’t have any sort of reputation to uphold and has thus ventured into the adult entertainment industry. Turns out, in that short time she’s already raised enough to pull herself off of welfare, and thank God for that. TMZ reports:
Sources tell TMZ … the mother of 14 no longer needs government assistance thanks to her various XXX gigs. We’re told Octo has raked in more than enough cash to support herself — we’re talkin’ 6-figs. TMZ broke the story … Octo went on welfare back in March (resulting in a slew of death threats) claiming she needed the cash to help feed her family. But as of June, her 3-month cycle ended and she chose NOT to renew it. We’re told Octo still stands by her decision to go on welfare in the first place … but she’s happy to show the world it was just a temporary situation.
I know most people would throw in some bitchy crack here, but honestly? I won’t. For once, she’s actually working and doing whatever she can to help support her kids, and you guys just eat that up. I swear to God, with all the hits that come in for Octomom’s vagina, you’d figure it was a Six Flags amusement park. Actually, that wouldn’t be a bad idea. Just put up a support structure and you can probably put a roller coaster, a ferris wheel, maybe even some bumper cars in there, and you’d still have room for a cotton candy stand and a funnel-cake cart.
Thanks to the folks over at TMZ, here are some new pictures of Nadya ‘Octomom’ Suleman stripping down at a gentelman’s club in Hallandale, Florida last night! Girlfriend has been up to a lot lately to help support her family of fourteen … making a masturbation video, laying down a dance track, riding a sybian in front of Howard Stern, plus she even somehow managed time to find herself a younger boyfriend! Seriously, what’s next for Nadya?! All I can think of right now is Donna Summers' (may she rest in peace) classic 1983 hit single, “She Works Hard for the Money”!
Octomom Nadya Suleman stripped down Friday night like it was her job … because it was … and TMZ has obtained the pics to prove it. After months of anticipation, Octo finally had her first gig as a stripper and hit the stage at Playhouse Gentleman’s Club in Hallandale, FL for TWO WHOLE DANCES!!! Even though her time on stage was short, the mother of 14 went all out — using costumes, props and we’re guessing a gym … cause girl didn’t look half-bad. Octo went with a couple classic stripper numbers — dancing as a leather-clad dominatrix (set to Rihanna’s song “S&M”) and then a naughty, lollipop sucking school girl. SOURCE
I may not be some fancy, high-fallutin’ vocalist, but I’m assuming that giving birth to far too many kids does wonders for your vocal chords. Otherwise, this story from TMZ about Nadya ‘Octomom’ Suleman releasing a new single would merely be another instance of someone capitalizing on their status as an almost-celebrity despite not having a shred of talent while thousands of talented but less famous people get jack squat. But that would be a nihilistic look into how our culture values infamy over talent or character, and that would just be terrible, right … right?
Octo signed a recording deal with Global Groove Entertainment and already cut a dance track called “Get on the Dance Floor” that features Octo both singing AND rapping … no joke. The song is being produced by two guys named DJ Mr. Mig and Mike Rizzo … both of whom have worked with HUGE artists like Britney Spears, Usher, Beyoncé and Taylor Swift. Sources tell us … the recording gig came about thanks to Octo’s sex tape. We’re told she felt so liberated after filming the self-pleasure video, she wanted to find another way to express herself. We’re told she took the job super seriously … taking two whole voice lessons to prepare. Check her out recording (above) with singer Adam Barta — who’s also featured on the tune.
Oh Adam, not you too! Ugh … look, I like Adam Barta. He’s a nice guy and he makes good music. But just … what the what? Octomom singing a generic dance track with a generic title, complete with what I’m assuming will be a generic white girl rap bridge, because those are always the best part of every song (isn’t that right, Karmin?). Just … GAH. Good God, I hope she’ll be using this money to help her kids, otherwise I will drop a D.
Is it too late to hand out the “Worst Mother Ever In Like The History Of Every Thing That Has Ever Existed” award? Because I think we just found our winner. Vivid Videos’ head-honco Steven Hirsch has decided to stop trying to feed and clothe Nadya Suleman's children because Octomom is an uppity bitch who can't even put aside her own ego to keep her kids from turning cannibal on each other.
Hirsch tells TMZ, “We tried really hard to develop some sort of a relationship with Nadya. We totally understood that she didn’t want to make a movie with us and we respect her decision.” Hirsch adds, “She has refused our check for her February mortgage payment and has made it very clear that she doesn’t need or want our help in any way.” He concludes, “At this point we will no longer pursue buying her $450,000 balloon payment, but remain open to speaking to her about other opportunities.” SOURCE
You stupid fucking bitch. Sorry, I know I usually at least try to veil outright criticism in a joke, but this is too much. Don’t wanna do porn? Super. But if you have to pick between doing porn or raising your kids in fucking squalor and you choose the latter, you are a terrible mother. Hey, you know what? Here’s an idea: Give all of Octomom’s kids to Mr. Hirsch. Sure, he runs a porn company, but out of the two of them, he’s the only one looking out for the best interest of the kids.