GROSS: Michael Lohan got Kate Major pregnant
Earlier today, I talked about how Lindsay Lohan was basically called out as a colossal liar by Porsche — FREAKING PORSCHE — after she plowed her car into a truck and blamed the brakes. As I was typing that, part of me wondered, “what happened in Lindsay’s life that made her the way she is today?” Then I read this story about how Michael Lohan got Kate Major pregnant in the worst way possible, then it dawned on me: Lindsay swam out of this asshole’s scrotum. Mystery solved. TMZ reports:
There’s going to be a new addition to the Lohan litter — but fear not … it’s not Lindsay who’s preggers. TMZ has learned Lindsay’s gonna have another sibling, courtesy of Kate Major and Michael Lohan. According to our sources, Kate is in her first trimester. But get this … the restraining order she had against MiLo was lifted only a few weeks ago … so the act of conception was illegal.
Just a few things to keep in mind about Michael and Kate’s relationship here:
I give this kid three months before he/she starts plowing rented Porsches into baby carriages.
Michael Lohan found another opportunity to talk!
Yesterday, porn star Voodoo told a radio station that Lindsay Lohan paid him to nail her while her dad was asleep upstairs. Michael Lohan, true to his nature, heard his name being mentioned, realized their was money and attention to be squeezed out of this, so here he is letting RadarOnline know that he’s a great father and that he wants to kick Voodoo in the mangina until he dies.
“This delusional moron wishes he had a nanosecond alone with Lindsay!” Lohan charged. “If I ever caught a guy having sex with my daughter in my house I’d be in jail the rest of my life, especially a dirtball porn star. I’m a light sleeper. I would never be asleep while my kids were in the house and awake. Another worm crawling out of the woodwork trying to get some publicity. But this time, it’s a person that doesn’t even have respect for himself, never mind Lindsay or anyone else. To begin with, not at ANY time that I was with my family or Lindsay at our home, or anywhere, did I go to sleep before my children did. Or allow any man/male and especially a sleazebag, alone with Lindsay. Can you imagine ME, Michael Lohan, of all fathers, allowing my daughter(s) to be alone with any guy while I was present? Ha ha! And if, by chance, a dirtball like Voodoo, snuck in, he wouldn’t have made it out. Last but not least, Lindsay would NEVER stoop to the level of this neophyte. (The lowest form of living organism on earth). Sad, very sad. I pity him.”
Mind you, this is the same guy who tried to escape the police by jumping into a tree and faking a heart attack, which means that Michael is a very special mix of delusional and shameless that allows him to do just about anything. So don’t be surprised if he actually does try to murder him, only to evade the police by throwing himself into a bush and then pretending that he’s having a stroke.
Well, at least one Lohan’s in jail …
So as it becomes ever clearer that no matter how hard she screws up, Lindsay Lohan will never go to jail because the California legal system has a serious case of derp-brain, Michael Lohan is picking up the Lohan jail time slack by being locked up in solitary confinement and making collect calls to Real Housewives. Yup, that just happened. From RadarOnline:
Michael Lohan is locked up in jail in Florida in solitary confinement but RadarOnline has exclusively learned he’s making phone calls – collect! Michael is allowed to make outgoing calls from the Orient Road jail where he is being held in the infirmary and RadarOnline has exclusively obtained a recording of a call he attempted to place to one of his flames, but not Kate Major. Lindsay’s father was actually calling Kim Granatelle, from The Real Housewives of New Jersey, who Michael was spotted smooching with over the summer. She didn’t actually answer the phone and let the call go to her voicemail.
Wait wait wait … is this how we’re going to trick Lindsay into finally going to jail for the amount of time she deserves? By telling her that she can make as many collect calls to her old girlfriends as she wants? Actually, now that I say that out loud, I realize that it’s really not a crazy idea.
Guard: Hey Lindsay, want to call Samantha Ronson?
Lindsay: My little love gargoyle? I WILL DO ANYTHING.
Guard: Here’s a cell phone. But you can only get reception on it when you’re in this … magical cell phone room. That I lock for 30 days.
Lindsay: Ok, thanks whatever, bye.
Michael Lohan got arrested … again!
Soooooo … who didn’t see this one coming? Absolutely no one? Well then. Less than half a day after Michael Lohan was released, the dumbass defied the judge’s orders to not even dream about Kate Major by trying to phone her up, so of course, guess who had the police up his ass? But wait, it gets better: According to RadarOnline, he tried to escape again, because he apparently thinks he can stay under the radar despite needing to jump in front of a camera to talk about Lindsay Lohan every week in order to pay child support. Anyway, Michael jumped out of a third story window, landed in a tree, broke his foot, then tried to make a break for it. Guess how that turned out?
Police in Tampa said he violated the terms of his release from jail by calling his ex gal pal Kate Major on the phone overnight, just two days after his arrest on battery domestic violence charges in connection with a fight they’d had. The Hillsborough County State Attorney’s Office, at that point, authorized Lohan be arrested for the violation. Police said when they tried to catch up with the New York native at the motel he was staying at (Tahitian Inn), Lohan jumped out of a third story balcony before running from officers, who apprehended him after a foot chase.
So in the space of about forty-eight hours, Michael abused Kate, got arrested, got taken to a hospital, and then tried to escape. And he did this TWICE. That’s what kills me. He did the exact same thing TWICE in a matter of about two days. I hate to give Lindsay any credit here, but at least she waits a couple weeks before repeating her mistakes again. Michael is just like “screw that, I’m just going to make the same ones over and over again,” what a colossal dumbass!
Michael Lohan skips jail time, again!
Just in case you were worried that Lindsay Lohan was the only member of her family who was impervious to jail time no matter what she did, well guess what? After beating Kate Major for what can only be, like, the one-hundred-billionth time, it looks like Michael Lohan dodged a trip to the big house because there is no God and we live in a crazy upside-down universe where left is right and shoes go in vaginas. RadarOnline reports:
As RadarOnline previously reported, Michael Lohan was arrested for battery domestic violence and was taken into custody in the early hours of Tuesday morning after getting into an argument with former fiance, Kate Major. He had been held in jail ever since and was granted a $5,000 bond on Wednesday after over 24 hours in custody. Judge Walter Heinrich Jr. told the 51-year-old to stay away from Kate, 28, at all costs. “You even dream of her and you’re going to jail,” he said. The judge ordered that Lohan be detained until 6pm ET until the authorities could determine whether a warrant had been issued out of Sarasota County involving a temporary restraining order sought by Major.
So basically, Michael beat his girlfriend, faked a heart attack, then tried to make a break for it when they took his ass to the hospital, and they’re reaction is “well, he has $5,000. Clearly, he’s learned his lesson.” Fuck. Everyone involved with this. So very, very much. I’m not sure what the Lohans have done to be constantly avoiding repercussions for their dumbass actions, but it better have been huge.
Guess why Michael Lohan got arrested?
Ah the hell with it, I’m just going to throw this one at you and let you guess what happened. ‘Father of the Year’ aka Michael Lohan was arrested early this morning according to TMZ. What did he do?
A) Wore a mesh shirt in public
B) Funneled coke up Lindsay Lohan's nose because she's worth more to him high than sober
C) Kicked Kate Major in the vagina again
D) Punched a kitten
Tampa Police arrested Lindsay Lohan’s dad at 1:10AM ET after they responded to reports of a fight between Michael and a live-in girlfriend. Law enforcement sources confirm it was Lohan’s on again-off again GF Kate Major.
Now this part is classic Lohan: we’re told Michael complained of chest pains when he was taken into custody — so police took him to a hospital. We’re told Michael was treated, and then was attempting to slip out of the hospital on his own — until an officer spotted him, hauled him down to jail and booked him for the alleged domestic violence.
Yup, he kicked his girlfriend in the vagina. Again. And then he tried to flee, because … what, do hospitals work like homebase in a game of capture the flag? “Sorry commissioner, but the serial murder-rapist touched the front door of a hospital. It’s out of our hands now.” Christ, does he realize they’d just throw his ass in jail the moment he tried to get on TV to sell out LiLo again? Stay classy, Lohan family.
Michael Lohan thinks Lindsay is smoking meth or crack!
Can you believe it has been months since famewhore Michael Lohan sold his daughter down the river in order to collect that sweet, sweet tabloid money? Anyway, the star of Celebrity Rehab decided to tell everyone that Lindsay Lohan is probably smoking either meth of crack based on her rotten teeth. Once again, this story was brought to you by the guy who was just on a reality rehab show aka fake rehab. For attention. Cannot make that clear enough. RadarOnline reports:
In an appearance on Issues with Jane Velez-Mitchell on HLN Wednesday afternoon Michael dropped the bombshell about his troubled daughter, and RadarOnline has video of his shocking claim. “That’s from smoking a pipe with meth or crack,” Michael said about Lindsay’s brown teeth. When Velez-Mitchell asked him to clarify what he meant he point blank said his daughter is abusing illegal drugs. “She’s smoking either crack or meth, one or the other. I’m not going to shade it.”
So I was talking to a friend about the whole LiLo thing yesterday, and he did bring up the completely valid point that Lindsay was more or less doomed from the start because her parents suck ass. Which sounds reasonable, until you realize that everyone in the entire world had a shitty childhood and every parent has messed up with their kids in some way or another. It is what allows us to go into adulthood and realize what we should and should not do. You can only use the “my parents were shitheads” excuse for so long before you have to start taking personal responsibility for your own mistakes.