Posts tagged "Lawsuits"

Tom Cruise is suing Life & Style

As a result of Katie Holmes having an iron-clad divorce case and also Tom Cruise believing he’s Professor Charles Xavier, Katie has full-custody of Suri, while Tom gets weekend visits. Most people would just take this as it is — regular divorce stuff — but not Life & Style magazine! Nope, they full on wrote that he abandoned Suri, which … I don’t care how crazy your religion is, that’s sort of off-limits. TMZ reports:

Attorney Bert Fields just fired off an email, attacking Life & Style, for what he says is “a bogus cover headline that Suri has been ‘ABANDONED BY HER DAD.’”

Fields says, “That, as anyone knows who saw their photos together yesterday and today, is a disgusting, vicious lie.”  Fields goes on, “Until this week, Tom was shooting a film on location, but he spoke to Suri every day.”

Fields adds, “He’s with Suri right now; and he was with her the day before Life & Style trumpeted their cruelly false accusation.  Tom dearly loves Suri and the last thing he would ever do is abandoned her.”

I have no doubt that Tom loves Suri, even if he believes in a weird religion, so honestly, I would never bring into question someone’s parenting. Seriously, the fastest way to getting your ass-kicked by an adult in baby-puke covered jeans is to tell them they suck at parenting. The only time it’s allowed is when you’re talking about someone from Teen Mom, because let’s face it: they’re awful!

Katie Holmes and Suri Cruise

Kim Kardashian: Terrorist AND bestialist?

There are a lot of things I can make fun of Kim Kardashian for: having no talent, failing epically at marriage, being a generally vacuous person, being covered in pee … all things that are backed up with anecdotal evidence, which is of course the best evidence there is. (No it isn’t.) But I can’t say that Kim is a member of Al Qaeda or that she regularly engages in filmed unicorn sex because that’s (A) crazy, and (B) complete bullshit. Yet, two lawsuits have been filed against Kim, the first of which claims that Kim, Kanye West, and the rest of the Kardashian family are secretly terrorists. From The Miami New Times:

"They all drank Jim Jones juice and then the defendants got shovels and were digging coal and fracking at mines in West Virginia to get fuel to make weapons of mass destruction and Kris Jenner was enriching uranium," the suit said. Plaintiff "Gino Romano" also claims that all of the Kardashian’s earnings are going to Al Qaeda. And that Kanye is the leader of the Chicago street gang El Rukn. And that Kim Kardashian will launch a selection of veils for her clothing line. And that Khloé Kardashian tried to behead Romano.

You can read the entire thing in the first link, and just in case that isn’t enough crazy for you, here’s a lawsuit claiming that Kim forcibly held a man against his will while engaging in an animal sex orgy and making him watch her show.

The other suit, filed by plaintiff “Jonathan Kimberly,” tells the harrowing tale of a simple man who just wanted to get some sleep — but the celebrities in the room next door to his (room #69, of course) were making too much noise. “I heard a bunch of banging, and sounds of sheep,” the suit reads. When Kimberly went to the door to request that his neighbors keep it down, he saw through the peephole (which was apparently installed backwards?) that Kim Kardashian, Kris Humphries, and Myla Sinanaj were inside, making a sex tape as “sheep, two goats, and a unicorn” looked on.

Know how I know this is bullshit? No one peed on Kim! Get your facts together people! Actually, now that I think about it, I think I have finally figured out what’s going on here …

Kris Jenner: Gino, Jonathan, do you know why I’ve brought you both here today?
Gino: Aliens?
Jonathan: Radio signals in our teeth?
Kris: … Yes. You mustn’t tell anyone though, or our plan to destroy America will be ruined.
Gino: WE HAVE TO TELL EVERYONE!
Kris: Like fish in a barrel.

Kim Kardashian

Kim Kardashian’s legal defense: I’m hairy!

Much like the common groundhog, Kim Kardashian's response to any sort of threat or danger is to dig herself further down into the mud and dirt and darkness. Also, if she sees her shadow on February 2nd, then the world gets six more weeks of cold. That bitch. Anyway, Kim is facing a new lawsuit from a cosmetic company that specializes in hair removal, claiming that because she lied to promote a rival brand, she put them at a disadvantage. Kim's response? That she's basically a sasquatch, and that she would never lie about a product she's endorsing! Unless it's a prepaid debit card. Or a diet pill. TMZ reports:

Kim just filed new docs in her ongoing legal battle with a beauty company called Radiant — which sued her last November, claiming she’s endorsing a competitor’s hair removal product … by making false claims. According to Radiant’s lawsuit, Kim falsely claimed TRIA — a home laser hair-removal system — works all over your body … and yields permanent results. (Radiant says it does neither). Radiant is pissed, claiming Kim’s misleading TRIA endorsement has put their hair-removal product — called no!no! hair — at an unfair disadvantage. But Kim insists … everything she ever said about TRIA — including how she uses it all over her body — reflected her honest opinions and experiences. As Kim said under oath, “Being Armenian and hairy, I thought [TRIA] was the perfect product.”

Yes, when faced with a lawsuit about how she lied, instead of trying to prove her words or back up her data, she’ll just reveal something embarrassing about herself in order to distract from her bullshit. It would be like if you questioned her about how her sex tape could leak, despite the fact that she couldn’t do that without providing two pieces of valid government-issued ID and signing a release form, and she immediately responded by screaming “BUT I WAS COVERED IN PEE!” It’s like when a possum plays dead by pissing and shitting on itself: it’s not particularly smart, but you’re so disgusted with how little dignity it has left that you just can’t bring yourself to kill it.

Kim Kardashian

Justin Bieber is suing a mobile app!

So despite the fact that the “oh my God, Justin Bieber's last name sounds like beaver!” jokes have been around for years (and not one of them has been funny, by the way) someone saw fit to create an iPhone app called … ugh … Joustin’ Beaver. Yes, that pun just happened. That barely counts as humor. Hell, I’m not even sure that counts as a language. I’m pretty sure that’s what the English language would write as its suicide note before swallowed a bottle of pills, but I digress. Anyway, Justin’s suing them because hey, why not right? TMZ reports:

Let us explain. A company called RC3 has created a mobile app called Joustin’ Beaver. The app is a cartoon game, in which the user floats down a river, defending Joustin’ from the phot-hogs. Of course, the Beev looks like Biebs, and that has rankled him so, his lawyers have fired off a cease and desist letter to RC3, demanding they cease production and sales, stat. Lawyers for Justin (the person) want the app removed from iTunes and they want an accounting of all revenues collected by RC3. But RC3 says hogwash and will continue selling the 99 cent app, claiming it’s a parody and therefore protected by the First Amendment to the Constitution.

All right, new rule: parody is only protected by the first amendment if it’s actually funny or clever. Look, I think we can all agree that South Park deserves to exist, but Joustin’ Beaver? I feel like whoever came up with that one deserves a swift kick in the balls. So new rule: if you’re going to parody something, at least be clever about it, because noticing that certain words sound like other words isn’t so much parody as it is being able to recognize homonyms.

Joustin' Beaver

The Kardashians are being sued over QuickTrim

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: the Kardashian family was paid to endorse a product that either doesn’t work or completely screws over the user, and then everyone was all like “wait, this product is bullshit!” and then the Kardashians get sued for trying to pimp out a useless product. Oh, wait, you have heard this one before? Well, what if I told you that instead of a credit card for teenage girls that will send them to the poor house, this time it’s a useless diet pill full of caffeine? Page Six reports:

Kim Kardashian and her sister Khloé face a possible class-action lawsuit over their diet product QuickTrim, which detractors say contains high levels of caffeine, an ingredient that’s “not safe or effective for weight loss.” Kim and Khloé caused a stir over their paid endorsement of the product, which features a picture of bikini-clad Kim. It has reportedly generated $45 million in revenue since they struck the deal with New Jersey-based Windmill Health Products in 2009. Law firm Bursor & Fisher is preparing a suit against Windmill and the marketing claims made by the Kardashians. An email it sent to product users included a link to the firm’s web site, which states, “The active ingredient in QuickTrim weight loss products is a large dose of caffeine … the FDA has determined that caffeine is not safe or effective for weight loss.”

Wait, do people still think that diet pills actually work? And do people still think that the Kardashians are anything other than money grubbing famewhores who would try and sell you poison as mouthwash if someone paid them enough? No offense, but I’m not sure how well this lawsuit is going to hold up since in a rational world, anyone who saw Kim and Khloé Kardashian hawking shady diet pills and thought “me too!” should have been eaten by wolves by now.

Kim and Khloé Kardashian

Here come the lawsuits from Lindsay Lohan!

As anyone with a See ‘n Say knows, the cow goes “moo”, the duck goes “quack”, and the Lindsay Lohan goes “I WILL SUE YOU! *Snort*”. So of course Lindsay is whipping out a lawsuit against RadarOnline after they ran a story about how eye witnesses allegedly saw her “on something” at Chateau Marmont, where she is currently living. Oh yes, did we mention she’s living right above the most famous bar in Hollywood? Because she’s living above the most famous bar in Hollywood. TMZ reports:

Lindsay Lohan says there’s NO TRUTH to reports she was boozing at a SAG Awards after party this weekend … and now, TMZ has learned, she’s threatening to SUE the media outlets that published the story in the first place. A source close to the actress tells TMZ … Lindsay is already exploring her legal options with her attorneys … because she feels the false stories are sabotaging her effort to save her career. Lindsay acknowledges she WAS at the party at the Chateau Marmot hotel in Hollywood Sunday night … but insists she was sitting with Alan Cummings the whole time and ONLY drank water.

Of course, this begs yet another question: Specifically, why in the name of sweet baby fucksauce would a respected actor like Alan Cummings allow himself to be seen with Lindsay. The more I think about it, the more I realize that Lindsay is trying to revive her career by sucking the careers out of respected, talented actors like Shang Tsung sucking the souls out of the other Mortal Kombat fighters. Although if Mortal Kombat has taught me anything, it’s that she’s easily beaten by getting her tipsy, then pressing down-left-right-punch to FINISH HER! … I may be confusing video games with reality again.

Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan is a legal genius!

As some of you might remember, Lindsay Lohan got into some trouble a few years ago after she reportedly got into a physical altercation with Dawn Holland, a Betty Ford clinic worker, after she allegedly came back to rehab all drunk after a night of partying. Because I’m sure all that will totally change the public’s perception of her. Anyway, Holland finally filed a lawsuit against Lindsay, and Lindsay is fighting back claiming self-defense, because there’s no telling how much physical damage that breathalyzer test could have done to her. TMZ reports:

Lindsay allegedly got into it with Dawn Holland (now going by Dawn Bradley) back in December 2010, while Lindsay was in rehab. Bradley filed a lawsuit last July against Lohan for the alleged incident, claiming assault and battery. Attorneys for Lindsay filed their response in Riverside County Superior Court on January 10, claiming the entire incident was provoked by Bradley … so Lindsay shouldn’t have to pay her a cent. Lohan claims anything she may have done was done in self-defense. Lohan also wants the court to force Bradley to pay for her court costs, plus any other relief the court sees fit.

All right, I’m going to be fair here: did Holland milk her little Lindsay run-in way too much? Of course she did. But was she out of bounds for trying to make Lindsay take a breathalyzer test after she left rehab without permission, then came back later allegedly drunk? No, because that’s not what rehab is about. And I’m pretty sure claiming self-defense for attacking a rehab worker for trying to give you a breathalyzer test is pretty much one of the first pages in the crackie handbook. You know, after buying crack.

Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan is getting sued again!

As some of you might remember, amidst all the other crazy stuff Lindsay Lohan has done, a couple years back Lindsay accidentally ran into a baby carriage with her car, which really was one of the few “holy shit, did this actually happen?” in my blogging career. Well, it looks like the Nanny who was pushing the carriage is finally suing Lindsay for unspecified damages, and somehow managed to find a witness who could actually detract from her “someone hit me and a baby with a car” defense. TMZ reports:

The accident occurred in September, 2010. TMZ broke the story … a witness claimed he saw Lindsay run a red light in her sports car in West Hollywood, hitting a nanny who was pushing a stroller across the intersection. The witness claimed 3 of the 4 wheels on the stroller became airborne. The child wasn’t injured but the nanny — Nubia Del Carmen Preza — claims she was, and that’s why she is suing. And get this … the witness told us, “She was in shock and Hispanic so she was scared.”

What? Why does the witness sound like a vaguely racist eight-year-old? I’m pretty sure if Lindsay plowed into anyone with her car, they’d be pretty freaked out, regardless of whether or not they were Hispanic. Unless I’m wrong and they are somehow more prone to being scared after being hit by a car. You really have to be the most incoherent witness ever to make me forget about the fact that Lindsay allegedly hit a baby stroller with her car.

Lindsay Lohan

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