Whore: A parody of Katy Perry’s “Roar” with Kris Jenner (This is HILARIOUS!)
Whore: A parody of Katy Perry’s “Roar” with Kris Jenner (This is HILARIOUS!)
Last week, rumors circulated that Kris Jenner sold Kim Kardashian's infamous sex tape to Vivid Entertainment, which … d’uh. Honestly, if this turns out to be true, it would probably be the least surprising thing I’ve ever heard. “Kris sold Kim’s sex tape. Huh. Yeah, I can see that. This mayonnaise has 25% less fat than the leading brand? WITCHCRAFT!” Well, now Vivid is rebuking the claims, saying that Kris would never do something that totally fits into her wheelhouse. Via The Examiner …
Vivid Entertainment, the company that released the Kardashian video in 2007, has come forward to state that Jenner had no hand whatsoever in pushing the X-rated clip. According to a follow-up story by Celebuzz on Friday, August 10th, Vivid is setting the record straight. “Every so often someone comes out with a bogus story about Kim’s sex tape,” claimed Steven Hirsch, founder and co-CEO of Vivid Entertainment. “Let me be perfectly clear, Kris Jenner had absolutely nothing to do with the deal and ultimate distribution of Kim Kardashian, Superstar. To suggest anything different is both ridiculous and irresponsible, period.”
No, of course Kris didn’t sell the tapes. She just let Kim walk into Vivid Entertainment, sign page after page of release forms that would allow them to legally put the tape on the consumer market, provide them with two pieces of valid government issue I.D., and then allow the entire family to profit off the sex tape which could have been easily buried at the time using the family’s already existing bank account and lawyers because this was back before Kim was even remotely noteworthy. But selling it? Now that would be just wrong.
At this point, if you told me that Kris Jenner sometimes drinks the tears of her daughter because it gets rid of crows feet, I would probably just say shrug my shoulders and go “well d’uh.” Because Kris is awful and that’s really her one and only marketable skill. Seriously, I always kind of figured that Kris was an awful enough mother that she probably organized Kim Kardashian's sex tape all on her own, and according to an anonymous source, I was completely right all along. RadarOnline reports …
"Kris was totally involved in arranging the sale of Kim’s tape," the source told Star magazine of Kim’s on-camera tryst with then-boyfriend Ray J. “The video already existed, and Kris was there every step of the way as a middleman brought in to market it to an adult entertainment company.” The title of the adult flick released from Vivid Entertainment was Kim Kardashian, Superstar, which the source said had Kris over the moon. “That must have thrilled Kris since you could hardly call Kim a household name at that point in time,” the insider said. Despite denials that Kris had anything to do with the release of Kim’s sex tape, and Khloé Kardashian calling the idea “disgusting and disturbing,” the source passed a polygraph test with Star magazine. “I saw Kris Jenner’s signature on the contract; I believe she got somewhere between $250,000 and $500,000 for the original deal with the middleman,” the source said.
Lest you think that Kris is just a sleazy opportunist, she’s also allegedly a terrible mother to boot!
As RadarOnline was first to report, the Kardashian’s former nanny Pam Behan said, “I believe [Kris] was grooming her children for their current celebrity status their entire lives … I do believe that the success they enjoy now is what she always hoped for and wanted for them and for herself.” Meanwhile, Kris’ never-ending drive for fame and wealth are coming at a great cost, the insider said. “Everything she does in this world, every decision she makes on her daughters’ behalf, is based on greed and publicity,” the source said. “And has nothing to do with her family’s stability or happiness.”
So all this to say, Kris is an opportunistic famewhore perfectly content with sacrificing her daughters’ happiness if it means people will know who she is. To which I say: yeah, we kind of already knew that. What, did you think Kris was famous because she was talented or had a likable personality? Nooooooooooope. Rampant famewhoring of her daughters, that’s what did the trick.
Generally speaking, Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton have pretty similar skill sets and career paths: they were both born into rich families, have absolutely no talent or otherwise likeable traits whatsoever, got famous for a sex tape, and managed to turn that into a series of increasingly banal and insufferable TV shows, all the while pretending that they somehow earned all of this. So here’s Kim making fun of Paris’ sex tape, because being a hypocritical bitch is pretty squarely in her wheelhouse. TooFab reports:
If there’s one person who probably shouldn’t make a sex tape joke, it’s Kim Kardashian. But that didn’t stop her from making one on last night’s episode of her reality show. On Sunday’s Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Kim and mom Kris Jenner went on a mission to spy on Bruce Jenner during a golf game with former supermodel Angie Everhart. When they got to the golf course, Kris asked her daughter “Do you have a night vision camera?”
"No," Kim shot back, "That was Paris Hilton." Of course, Kim is referencing Hilton’s famous sex tape with ex-boyfriend Rick Salomon.
Ha! It’s funny because Paris is only famous for being rich and awful and making a sex tape, but Kim is completely different, because she’s only famous for being rich and awful and making a sex tape with proper lighting! See how that works? If only Paris had used stage lights and had her mom allegedly behind the scenes to direct the hardcore action, things would have worked out better for her too.
Because your kids are never too young to be forced to do something well outside of their intellectual and experiential comfort zone, Kendall and Kylie Jenner (who are fourteen and sixteen) are writing their first young-adult book. Well, maybe I shouldn’t say ‘write’. Or ‘book’. Honestly, I want to make fun of the celebrity ghost-writing machine here, but these kids are still in their teens and I can’t in good conscience make fun of teenage girls. Unless they’re Beliebers. So let’s cut to the blockquote from E! Online:
Kendall says they’re aiming to have their as-yet untitled book ready to go by next summer. “I think we will definitely get it done with how fast [the process] is going,” Kylie added. And now, they’re collaborating with cowriter Maya Sloane on a science-fiction story “set 200 years in the future”—the first in a possible series, which is why they aren’t putting all of their ideas in one book—for publisher Karen Hunter at Simon & Schuster. Yes, the model siblings may be more known for their fashion sense and posing prowess—but don’t count them out in the literature department. “We want to do something so different, something that we really love,” Kendall told us. Both she and Kylie are huge fans of the Harry Potter and Hunger Games series (they dig Katniss Everdeen’s girl power message, of course)—and it turns out English is their favorite subject.
Look, it’s great if kids want to grow up to be authors and writers, but no, teenage girls cannot, and should not, write books. They don’t have the life experience or skills necessary to write a full-length book that people will buy with money and read. So I’m just going to put all this blame on momager Kris Jenner where it belongs. Because it takes a very special kind of evil to pimp out your teenage daughters for the sake of a quick buck, and an even specialer kind to see absolutely nothing wrong with it.
Every fiber of my being believes this is a screaming “YES” because stupid famewhores and sex tapes are kind of squarely in my wheelhouse, but for now the best we can say is “allegedly, yes.” Anyway, Kris Humphries recently dumped his girlfriend, who’s using the opportunity to sell every little bit of info he sent her way, up to and including the fact that Kris Jenner allegedly made her daughter Kim Kardashian re-shoot her now infamous sex tape because it just wasn’t pretty enough. TMZ reports:
Kris Humphries trashed Kim Kardashian and her family in conversations and text messages to his former girlfriend, Myla Sinanaj … telling her Kris Jenner not only directed Kim to shoot her sex tape, but to re-shoot because Kris J didn’t think the first one was pretty enough. As TMZ first reported, Kim has subpoenaed Myla in Kim’s divorce case, and we’ve learned Myla has a lot to say about what Kris told her about his relationship with his famous estranged wife.
Wait, people are surprised by this? You’re kidding right? If this is true, this would quite possibly be the most sensible thing I’ve ever written. Honestly, I could write a post about how the sky is blue and food is delicious and water is wet and it would still not illicit as many “well d’uh”s as a post about how Kris would force her kids to perform thinly-veiled publicity stunts for the sake of attention.
How was your day? Good? Do you feel loved by the people closest to you? That we live in a fair and just world? That there is a higher power and that he/she/it is a benevolent being who only wants good for us? Well, the Kardashian clan just inked a deal for a whopping $40 Million bucks to make three more seasons of their crappy, vapid and fake reality shows. I don’t want to live on this planet anymore. Via TMZ:
Sources connected to the deal tell TMZ … Kim, Kourtney, Khloé, Kris and Bruce will get the lion’s share of the money … and they are each getting equal pay. We’re told Kendall, Kylie and Rob are on a lower pay grade — and will be paid equally as well. Scott Disick and his son Mason have a separate deal. Ditto for Lamar … who hammered out a package deal to appear in both Khloé and Lamar and Keeping Up with the Kardashians. We’re told the new deal ONLY includes existing shows — so if Kim and Kanye get a new spinoff show … they will have to bang out a new contract for even MORE money.
So basically, rich, untalented people are getting paid a ridiculous amount of money so that they can be even richer and more untalented, and poor stupid people are footing the bill? The Usual Suspects was lying: the greatest trick the devil pulled wasn’t convincing us he didn’t exist. It was convincing us to tune into E! to watch a bunch of bored, screechy sasquatches play out their vacuous and awful lives.
Wait, did I say publicity stunt? I meant boyfrie- Well, actually, no. I meant publicity stunt. ‘Boyfriend’ would entail that Kim Kardashian can actually feel things. Anyway, since Kim and Kanye West are officially a thing now, Kris Jenner has decided to announce that she’s just so thrilled with the happy new couple and all the attention they’ll bring in to each other’s lives. RadarOnline reports:
“Kris is thrilled about Kim’s new romance with Kanye,” a source close to the Kardashian family tells Radar. “She loves that they’re together and thinks Kanye is a huge step up for Kim after her marriage to Kris Humphries.” Kim’s mom has been the driving force behind her career, from encouraging her to pose nude in Playboy to managing her numerous endorsements, and this new romance is just what Kris was hoping for her daughter. “Dating Kanye puts Kim in a whole new stratosphere,” the source says. “Kris was just a basketball player making a few million dollars a year, but Kanye is a world-wide multi-millionaire superstar. His money and fame are all going to benefit Kim now and she’s going to have all the perks of being his girlfriend, and her mom thinks this is going to be great for her own career.” Kris manages all of her daughters’ careers, but Kim is the most successful, and the source says she sees a golden egg with the Kanye relationship. “Kris Jenner is so happy that her daughter is dating Kanye, and she wants to make sure she maximizes all the attention Kim is going to get, as well as the financial opportunities this is going to open up for her now.”
All right, here’s the thing: When I said Kris was happy about the attention they would bring each other, rather than the love or happiness, I was just joking. Except when I wrote that joke, I was assuming that Kris was a normal human being and that she had some sort of sense of decency and priorities. Except whoops! No she doesn’t! Remember: Kris is such an awful human being, that she’s actually beyond the point of satire or parody. She’s a living goddamn joke.