GROSS: Michael Lohan got Kate Major pregnant
Earlier today, I talked about how Lindsay Lohan was basically called out as a colossal liar by Porsche — FREAKING PORSCHE — after she plowed her car into a truck and blamed the brakes. As I was typing that, part of me wondered, “what happened in Lindsay’s life that made her the way she is today?” Then I read this story about how Michael Lohan got Kate Major pregnant in the worst way possible, then it dawned on me: Lindsay swam out of this asshole’s scrotum. Mystery solved. TMZ reports:
There’s going to be a new addition to the Lohan litter — but fear not … it’s not Lindsay who’s preggers. TMZ has learned Lindsay’s gonna have another sibling, courtesy of Kate Major and Michael Lohan. According to our sources, Kate is in her first trimester. But get this … the restraining order she had against MiLo was lifted only a few weeks ago … so the act of conception was illegal.
Just a few things to keep in mind about Michael and Kate’s relationship here:
I give this kid three months before he/she starts plowing rented Porsches into baby carriages.
Isn’t She Lovely: Kate Major!
Gosh, we’re only a few weeks into 2012 and we already have a super glamorous mugshot of Kate Major (her claim to ‘fame’ is dating Lindsay’s loser dad Michael Lohan) that has instantly become a classic!
Michael Lohan’s ex girlfriend, Kate Major, was arrested January 14, 2012 in Boca Raton, Florida, for attacking Rosario Tapia and Juan Jimenez in an apartment parking lot! According to Jimenez, he and his wife were waiting for a parking spot to open, (as someone had parked in their assigned spot) when Major came running at the car out of nowhere. She opened their door and shouted racist names at them before attacking Rosario! Apparently Kate Major also resisted arrest and tried to kick the officers! Later she reportedly slapped an officer too! This picture shows her mug shot from that evening.
Michael Lohan got arrested … again!
Soooooo … who didn’t see this one coming? Absolutely no one? Well then. Less than half a day after Michael Lohan was released, the dumbass defied the judge’s orders to not even dream about Kate Major by trying to phone her up, so of course, guess who had the police up his ass? But wait, it gets better: According to RadarOnline, he tried to escape again, because he apparently thinks he can stay under the radar despite needing to jump in front of a camera to talk about Lindsay Lohan every week in order to pay child support. Anyway, Michael jumped out of a third story window, landed in a tree, broke his foot, then tried to make a break for it. Guess how that turned out?
Police in Tampa said he violated the terms of his release from jail by calling his ex gal pal Kate Major on the phone overnight, just two days after his arrest on battery domestic violence charges in connection with a fight they’d had. The Hillsborough County State Attorney’s Office, at that point, authorized Lohan be arrested for the violation. Police said when they tried to catch up with the New York native at the motel he was staying at (Tahitian Inn), Lohan jumped out of a third story balcony before running from officers, who apprehended him after a foot chase.
So in the space of about forty-eight hours, Michael abused Kate, got arrested, got taken to a hospital, and then tried to escape. And he did this TWICE. That’s what kills me. He did the exact same thing TWICE in a matter of about two days. I hate to give Lindsay any credit here, but at least she waits a couple weeks before repeating her mistakes again. Michael is just like “screw that, I’m just going to make the same ones over and over again,” what a colossal dumbass!
Michael Lohan skips jail time, again!
Just in case you were worried that Lindsay Lohan was the only member of her family who was impervious to jail time no matter what she did, well guess what? After beating Kate Major for what can only be, like, the one-hundred-billionth time, it looks like Michael Lohan dodged a trip to the big house because there is no God and we live in a crazy upside-down universe where left is right and shoes go in vaginas. RadarOnline reports:
As RadarOnline previously reported, Michael Lohan was arrested for battery domestic violence and was taken into custody in the early hours of Tuesday morning after getting into an argument with former fiance, Kate Major. He had been held in jail ever since and was granted a $5,000 bond on Wednesday after over 24 hours in custody. Judge Walter Heinrich Jr. told the 51-year-old to stay away from Kate, 28, at all costs. “You even dream of her and you’re going to jail,” he said. The judge ordered that Lohan be detained until 6pm ET until the authorities could determine whether a warrant had been issued out of Sarasota County involving a temporary restraining order sought by Major.
So basically, Michael beat his girlfriend, faked a heart attack, then tried to make a break for it when they took his ass to the hospital, and they’re reaction is “well, he has $5,000. Clearly, he’s learned his lesson.” Fuck. Everyone involved with this. So very, very much. I’m not sure what the Lohans have done to be constantly avoiding repercussions for their dumbass actions, but it better have been huge.