Kanye West is going to be an ‘American Idol’ judge?
In the space of twenty-four hours, we heard a rumor that Nicki Minaj was going to be a judge on American Idol, that all of a sudden came true somehow, except then Mariah Carey went all diva about it, now no one’s sure how that’ll end up. I’d like to reiterate: all of that took place in less than a day. Well, now Kanye West is rumored to be in talks to sign on as a judge, because Idol is essentially just musical chairs for rich people these days. TMZ reports …
Sources close to the production tell TMZ, “Idol” honchos reached out to Kanye recently about filling one of the open judging spots … and Kanye expressed interest. But that doesn’t mean he’s on board — we’re told Yeezy is still unsure about accepting the gig. The way it was put to us … “He’s on the fence,” because he’s not sure if “A.I.” is in his wheelhouse. And there’s another big hang up — cash. Informed sources tell TMZ … “Idol” would “at least match Mariah’s salary” — a cool $18 mil a year. It looks like Nicki Minaj is either close to signing a deal or has signed one to become a judge, but we’re told producers may well add a 4th judge. As we reported, the frontrunners are Keith Urban, Brad Paisley and Enrique Iglesias, but Kanye would clearly trump them all.
I’m just waiting for the point when the producers of American Idol just throw their hands up in the air and go “screw it, we don’t care!” before cramming every celebrity on the show in five minute increments. “Honestly, I thought your version was a little pitchy, and … oh, red light, time to let Donnie Wahlberg give his two cents. And after him: Ke$ha!”
When I first read the title of this one, originally I thought that Kanye West was actively trying to help Kim Kardashian launch her music career — Hey, wasn’t she supposed to have a music video or something? Whatever happened to that? Oh, it failed miserably because she has no talent so it never actually got off the ground? Yeah, I can see that. Well, it turns out, Kanye only wrote a song for himself about how happy he is to have Kim as his trophy girlfriend, and in case you ever doubted it was true love, the title of this song? “Perfect Bitch.” Truly this is a love for the publicity ages. NY Daily News reports …
But the standout track of the night, according to our insider at the club and a source close to the mercurial rapper, was a song that included the chorus “My perfect bitch.” Our second source says the song is about his current and former girlfriend. “(He raps) verses about his search for the perfect woman and how he has now found the “perfect bitch,’ ” says the insider, adding that there are a number of descriptions in the song that reflect the looks of the curvalicious Kardashian and Rose. “The crowd was on their feet,” says the first source. Our second source says the song, which West has tentatively titled “My Perfect Bitch” due to the repetitive chorus, uses the same melody from the 1937 composition “Carmina Burana,” a cantata by German composer Carl Orff.
So, just pointing this out here, but Kanye’s idea of a perfect woman is one whose had fat injected into her ass, face, and skull, has no viable career opportunities, has a history of being ruthlessly manipulative for the sake of attention from other people, has no problem faking love for the sake of press, and whose sole achievement in life was lampooning a poorly staged sex tape and rich parents into an inexplicable job? Because I’m just saying, a blow-up sex doll that says “NOTICE ME! NOTICE ME!” when you yank the pull-string in her back will do the exact same thing for a fraction of the price!
Apparently, Kim Kardashian’s life of doing nothing is so very, very strenuous that she needs to take constant vacations. I mean, can you imagine how exhausting it must be to do nothing while cameras pretend you’re actually doing something? That poor girl. I don’t know how she does it. Which is why she took a vacation with Kanye West and Joe Francis, which makes total sense: an egomaniac, a smut peddler, a whore, plus two guys accompanying Kim, zing! TooFab reports …
The trio recently returned from a trip Francis hosted at his amazing pad in Mexico and Joe was nice enough to share some photos of the tropical getaway on his official website. According to the site, “the couple relaxed poolside before hitting the ocean and ripping through the waves on jet skis launched from a gorgeous white sand beach.” The group also did a zip line tour through the jungle — where Kim showed off some major cleavage in a black tank top.
All right, before I break this one down into tasty, delicious morsels of rich people being passive-aggressively bitchy too each other, read this piece from TMZ and try to read between the lines:
Kris Humphries doesn’t need Kim Kardashian to make a living … ‘cause dude just signed a $24 MILLION contract with the Brooklyn Nets. It’s a 2-year deal according to ESPN … which means Kris got one helluva raise — his previous contract was a 1-year deal worth $8 mil. Not bad … considering the Nets are partially owned by Jay Z … who’s best friends with Kanye West … who’s still banging Kris’ estranged wife. Kanye also recently bragged that he could have J fire Kris whenever he wants.
All right, so remember when Kanye West first started dating Kim Kardashian, he basically wrote a song saying he could have Kris Humphries fired at any time? You do? Good, moving on: Remember how Beyoncé and Jay-Z wanted noting to do with Kim at all and how hard she’s been trying to weasel her way into their lives? You do? Excellent, then you know where this is going: Jay-Z got revenge on Kanye for bringing a piss-soaked whore into the lives of him, his wife, and daughter by hiring said piss-soaked whore’s ex-husband and basically neutering any and all of Kanye’s threats. Jay, you are shady as hell, yet I adore you for it, you magnificent bastard.
Short version: No, but well played Kris Jenner. Long version: A picture of what was purported to be Kim Kardashian’s naked backside was floating around on Twitter yesterday, which a lot of people just assumed was posted by Kanye West because admit it, that kinda seems like something he would do, doesn’t it? Well, turns out that wasn’t true, and that it was just a picture of Amia Miley. So basically, a woman who’s only famous for having a sex tape was mistaken for a porn star. What is this world coming to?! Via TMZ:
We’ve done our due diligence, and here’s what we found. First, the woman in the pic appears to be porn star Amia Miley. Miley tweeted the same photo of herself on her twitter account in 2011, and she tells us it’s her. She also says she’s never hooked up with Kanye. Second, although the pic has been sent around with credit to Kanye, we’ve learned it was never posted on Kanye’s account. A source close to Kanye confirms … he didn’t do it. We’re told it’s all part of #WanksterWednesday — a prank day where people try to get bogus rumors started.
Here’s how I imagine this went down:
Kris Jenner: Hey Kim, I found a picture of a porn star that looks like you. I’m gonna see if we can post it all over Twitter and make people think it’s you. Kim Kardashian: Will it remind people I still exist? Kris: Yes. Kim: Okay, I’m in.
The new music video for Kanye West’s collaboration with every rapper ever, Mercy, has finally hit the web, and it’s pretty good. The song is great, and the video is stylized and well put together. And you’ll also notice: no lasers or business cards. We wouldn’t want anyone to be fatally injured, would we?
I’m not sure whether Kanye West is a hemophiliac or if he’s just a colossal pussy, but the guy will throw a fit over even the most minor of inconveniences. He threw a snit a while back when someone threw a business card on his stage, and he took it as an assassination attempt on his life, and now here’s a video of Kanye at a concert in Paris over the weekend going full-blown hissy fit over a fan with a laser pointer. Admittedly, those things are super annoying, although Kanye’s point is kind of rendered moot when you see the FIFTY GIANT GODDAMN LASERS BEHIND HIM. That’s like getting huffy or a water gun when you have twenty machine guns firing off behind you.
The best thing a writer will ever learn how to do is edit. And I don’t just mean “go over your work and fix the spelling and grammar”. I mean edit in the sense that not all of your ideas are great and you should probably not try and force them all onto the page, lest you walk away with a confusing, incoherent mess of hackery most foul. Anyway, it turns out Kanye West never really learned to edit his work, but since he can rap, he can make movies, right? It’s not like being good at one thing won’t translate into being good at something drastically different, right? From Vulture:
Cudi’s gang of car thieves is called the Lamborghini Dons (not mentioned in the movie, but Cudi told me this later). He formed it to honor his father, who was a car thief, too.
She lives in a palace filled with taut golden strings. Her mother set them up so she could run and play while holding onto them, even though she’s blind.
Those strings all lead to a single Game of Thrones–like throne, where she sits, surrounded by barriers as if in a prison.
Cudi finds her there but is immediately tackled by guards and winds up in a prison with … Aziz Ansari.
Somehow Cudi winds up in the desert, beaten and abandoned by guards.
He wraps himself in a magic scarf and becomes a cocoonlike statue standing against the sandstorms for a good third of the movie. “It kind of mummified me,” Cudi told us of the scarf.
To make the princess “see,” Cudi plucks the strings to make music. Each note brings up a bright light, kind of like the end sequence in Close Encounters of the Third Kind.
And look, more crazy!
“The [seven screens idea] is related to a post–Steve Jobs, post-Windows era of where we’re always on a BlackBerry or a phone at a ballgame, at the movies, and you’re looking at seven windows when you’re online. And I’ve found myself even falling asleep at the theater unless I’m talking to somebody or I’m on the phone, and it’s because of the amount of information that we have at once. … I was very particular about having the screens be separate and having it where your mind puts the screens back together the way you can put memories together, the way that happens throughout the day and it all links back up.
I could make a joke about how the line between Tracy Jordan and Kanye West is becoming ever thinner, but instead I’ll offer Kanye some advice: it’s great to be avant-garde and all, but post-modernism for the sake of post-modernism, and which lacks any sort of heart at the center to hold everything together, is just going to end up as naval-gazing, insular weirdness. Just putting that out there.