Did you know John Mayer and Katy Perry were (barely) dating? Yes, seriously. No I don’t know what she sees in him. Maybe she has a thing for blandly unappealing men who think they’re funny when they’re clearly not. I don’t know, I’m guessing. Anyway, they split up after all of, what, a week together? Yeah, I’m crushed too. RadarOnline reports:
“John did a real number on Katy,” a source tells RadarOnline. “She held off from his advances for the longest time, but he laid on the charm thick and promised her he was a changed man. She eventually gave in, fell head over heels for him and then - yep - once he had made his conquest, he dumped her.”
Meanwhile, there appears to be no love lost between Mayer and Perry. A source spotted the former couple at a mutual friend’s dinner party on Tuesday night and they completely ignored each other!
“It was so weird! Katy stayed in one room the whole night and John stayed in the other and when they passed each other they both just kept their head’s down. It was like they had this incredible animosity for each other and everyone else at the party could feel it,” an eyewitness tells RadarOnline. “You could cut the atmosphere with a knife. It was all incredibly high school!”
I know, it was so weird! And then the next day John was totally making out with that tramp Kayla behind the bleachers — you know Kayla from homeroom? Yeah her. — And then Katy was all like “I don’t even care, John is super shady,” but you could tell she totally cared because she kept running into the bathroom, like, all day during class.
Last week, it was revealed that Kristen Stewart was cheating on Robert Pattinson with the Rupert Sanders, the married director of Snow White and the Huntsman. Also revealed: Kristen and Robert were dating. Who knew? Anyway, in the wake of the scandal, certain sources claimed that Rob moved out of their house, except it was actually the complete opposite: he just kicked Kristen straight to the curb, probably where she belongs according to Edward Cullen stans. People reports:
Robert Pattinson has asked Kristen Stewart to move out. A source tells People that the actor, who has been staying out of sight since leaving the home he shares with Stewart in Los Angeles, recently asked her to remove her belongings from the house. And early Saturday morning, a moving truck was spotted doing just that.
Awwww, poor Kristen, she looks so sad … or maybe she’s angry. Hungry? Constipated? Elated? Honestly, it’s kind of hard to tell with her. All right Kristen, bite your lower lip three times for sad, four times for happy, five times for thirsty, and six times for I totally messed it all up!
That humming you just heard was the collective energy of every teenage girl in the world getting their hopes up farther than they probably should, as rumors are going around saying that Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are on the rocks and could be splitting up. Yes girls, that means your hopes went from “almost absolute zero” to “nearly almost absolute zero,” because let’s face it: a rich famous kid is just going to date other rich famous kids. BLAMMO! Dreams crushed! TMZ reports:
He loves her … he loves her not — TMZ has learned, Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez have broken up multiple times in the last few months. Sources in a position to know tell us, Biebs and Selena most recently ended things last week — but have since decided to give their relationship another try … kinda. We’re told Justin and Selena’s current situation is tenuous … they’re not “solid” … they’re just figuring things out. They’ve been dating for roughly a year and a half.
This sounds pretty rough, until you remember that they’re still essentially teenagers, and breaking up and getting back together because they don’t have the life experience or mental acuity necessary to understand how a mature relationship works is kind of what teenagers do. Actually, even most adults can’t get this crap right, and THEY’RE ADULTS. Add to this volatile mix the fact that they’re both wealthy beyond belief and have been raised to believe that they’re never wrong and you can see where this is going from outer space.
When Katie Holmes filed for divorce from Tom Cruise and immediately went for the legal jugular that is “sole custody”, everyone immediately assumed that it was because Katie didn’t want Tom putting Suri through Scientology’s Super Special Fun Time In No Way Brainwashing Cruise where Suri would be taught about the religion. Well, ding ding ding! Congrats on winning gold in the D’uhlympics! Via TMZ:
Sea Org, as it is known, is where the highest levels of Scientology are taught and kids as young as five can be sent to live there … without their parents — and our sources say Tom is a big fan. Our sources say Katie and Tom had been arguing over Suri’s indoctrination into Scientology — and we’re told the Sea Org was the flashpoint. The Sea Org has been often compared to a boot camp and several ex-Scientologists (including Oscar winner Paul Haggis) have been outspoken against its military-like conditions. The Freewinds, the massive Scientology boat that was the location of Cruise’s infamous birthday party in 2004, is entirely staffed by Sea Org members.
Look, I don’t care what you believe in: don’t force your kids to accept your religion when they’re too young to say no to you or think freely for themselves. If you’re actually confident in your religion, you won’t mind if people you know and love grow up and believe differently. And if you’re a good parent, you won’t make your five-year-old children live on a goddamn cruise ship boot camp.
I momentarily considered titling this post “Tom Cruise got rid of his beard,” but then I realized
it was too on the nose I don’t like getting sued HAHA! What a hilarious joke that is completely untrue! (But seriously, first amendment! Parody! Please don’t sue us!) Anyway, after five years of marriage, it looks like the couple is filing divorce (on a Friday, before an upcoming national holiday distraction). Or more accurately, Katie Holmes filed for divorce and she’s also trying to take sole custody of Suri. TMZ reports:
We know Katie filed the divorce docs in New York on June 28, citing “irreconcilable differences.” She is asking for sole legal custody and “primary residential custody” of the couple’s 6-year-old daughter, Suri. We also know Katie is asking for a “suitable amount” of child support. Katie also asks for a division of property in her divorce docs, although we know there was a significant prenup that is based on California law. Katie makes no mention of the prenup in her filing.
Normally, this is where I’d make a joke about this scenario, except once again: I don’t like getting sued. To be honest, I would very much enjoy not being sued. So I’m just going to shut up and also maybe link to this video of polar bears playing in the snow. It was either that or throw a smoke bomb on the ground and run.
Good news if you have a thing for douchey-looking, out of touch hipsters who have essentially been making the same two movies for the past decade: Johnny Depp has split with his partner, Vanessa Paradis after fourteen years as a couple. Here’s the info I gleaned from The Daily Mail, which is incredibly hard to do when their idea of writing involves solitary sentences sandwiched between onslaughts of giant pics.
Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis have split after nearly 14 years together. The actor’s publicist announced this afternoon that the couple had ‘amicably separated’ and added: ‘Please respect their privacy and, more importantly, the privacy of their children.’ The couple, who have two children, Lily-Rose, 13, and nine-year-old Jack, haven’t been seen at a public event together since 2010.
Wait, didn’t they break up a couple years ago? Or is this one of those “we pretty much stopped trying a while back, but we’ve just been going through the motions for a while in a vain attempt to reconcile what is essentially unsalvageable?” Because believe me, my parents did that for a good five years. It never works.
After six months in what I can only assume was cohabitational quarantine by the CDC, DJ AfroJack has finally had enough of Paris Hilton and decided to dump her heiress ass, I’m guessing because he woke up one morning, said “I’m dating Paris Hilton”, and then spent the rest of the day trying to wrestle a gun out of his mouth. RadarOnline reports:
Paris Hilton and DJ AfroJack have called it quits after dating for around six months, RadarOnline is exclusively reporting. “Afrojack had moved into Paris’ Beverly Hills mansion earlier this year, and the two got very serious, very fast,” a source close to the former couple tells RadarOnline. “Paris was really into him and admires the work he has done. Afrojack did a lot of the work on Paris’ new album which will be released later this year. He took a lot of criticism for working with her, but he truly does believe that she has talent. Paris was smitten with him, but Afrojack just wanted to have fun and not be exclusive with anyone. He is on the road practically every day performing in clubs all over the world, and he just isn’t ready to settle down, whereas Paris is.”
First off, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Second, I’m pretty sure nothing will destroy every last shred of your credibility as a musician and DJ faster than saying “I believe Paris Hilton has talent”. Seriously, you could show up to the studio one day wearing a tin-foil hat because you believe B-flat notes plant scorpions in your brain, and you would still be taken more seriously than someone who can listen to Paris’ bored, walrus gargling and call it “music”.